Tee (_hallow_) wrote in thequestionclub,
Tee
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Long-ass backstory, question at the end (sorry so long)

I needed to get this off my chest and ask for some advice/opinions on the matter/moral support from some LJ peeps so I figured I'd ask here...here goes (names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty alike):


The backstory...its long but important...and perhaps a bit interesting, I hope
When I was in high school I made friends with this girl named Sarah. I met her through her older sister and we became best friends very quickly. I introduced her to my other best friends, Terry and Jen, and she got along with them as well. I also made friends with the few friends she had made at school, including a girl who will be mentioned later named Janet.

Sarah and I grew to be more than just best friends, we were inseparable. She likened me to a brother, her parents called me the son they never had, even her father (who hated all of her friends) treated me like the son he never had. However, Sarah had her issues. She claimed (and I never doubted while we were friends) that she was sexually abused by an older guy when she was in 8th grade (he was a high schooler). She also shared with me her fight with cutting and depression. In reality, I was the best friend she ever had. She told me about how, in the past, she had never had a best friend who didn't betray her. I had had similar experiences until I made friends with her, Terry and Jen, so I could relate.

Once Terry and I went off to college, I tried to keep in touch with everybody as much as possible. We all stayed close, but I was the glue that kinda kept us together. The four of us were inseparable but I was always the catalyst that brought the three of them to be friends. Soon Terry started liking Jen...then Sarah started liking Terry. Uh oh! Beneath the surface, Sarah started having jealous thoughts about Jen. Jen was prettier, more talented, etc. Well when Jen rejected Terry, the nicest guy alive, he started wondering if Sarah was someone he could see himself with. A hopeless romantic, he asked her out and they gave it a try. That summer was horrible. Sarah threw herself all over Terry every time they were together. I tried to express my frustrations with them, but Sarah just seemed pissed that I was ruining her game or something. Terry later expressed to me that he had been uncomfortable but didn't know how to tell her to stop without hurting her feelings. That was the ultimate problem brewing amongst us. Jen, Terry and I had realized that we couldn't share exactly how we felt with Sarah because she was so overly sensitive. We tried to look at her good sides and ignore her bad, but sometimes we had to bite out tongues.

Terry broke it off with Sarah in a harsh way, writing her a letter without even telling her what was going on. I had suggested he talk to her about his issues before just breaking it off, but he didn't want a girlfriend who was that pessimistic and moody. She was devastated but soon got over him. She started dating this really immature guy that she went to high school with (i should mention that Terry is my age, Sarah is 2 years younger than us, Jen is 2 1/2 years younger than us). We accepted Chad, Sarah's new man, but he was obnoxious. They had been friends before they dated and Chad was just a freak. I would give them rides home from school when I was home for breaks and Chad would hang half his body out of my back window and scream at people and cars, yelling at the top of his lungs. It was ridiculous and I would tell him so in a stern voice (and loud, so he would hear me over his own screaming).

Sarah and I kept on being friends, acting like brother and sister, working on a series of novels that I basically created and Sarah wrote out. She was the technical author but I provided her with so many ideas that it was hard to tell where her story left off and my part began. She called me the co-author, but I was basically the editor/muse and she was basically my ghost writer/occasional idea generator. Her grammar, spelling and imagination were atrocious but I helped her write something that had potential. I let her handle all of it, because it was her idea to begin with, but I was biting my lip to edit the shit out of it and make it grammatically correct.

Then 9-11 occurred. I was so worried about her but it turned out that I was the only one she could get through to on her cellphone. I called her family and some of her friends to tell them she was ok and we got through the tragedy together. Internet was our friends, definitely, once it worked again. Well, then about a week or two after it had happened, our friendship came to a screeching halt. Sarah had gotten home and told her 9-11 story to my sister's religion class while she visited our old high school (at this point she was a freshman in college in the city). Well, she basically lied to my sister's class, telling them about how she couldn't get money to eat, the trains weren't running so she couldn't get home and how she had to be escorted out of NYC under police escort. She made the whole thing sound like more of a personal tragedy than a national one, and had thrown some embellishments (read lies) in that had really pissed me off. She made herself sound like the NYC princess, and I called her on it. The truth was, she couldn't buy food because the ATM machines were down and she had forgotten (stupidly) that she had a credit card (who forgets that). The train she had planned on taking was running, but it was the wrong station. It would take her to my town, an hour away from home, but not her home. Her dad was gonna pick her up from my dorm, but he asked his brother, a police officer, to bring her back home for him. Hence the police escort and embellished story.

When I called Sarah on the whole thing, she was incredibly insulted. Adding to the argument, I had actually brought up Janet as well. Janet was going through her own freshman year hell in Rhode Island and had been venting to Sarah (this is two weeks after 9-11). Sarah basically told Janet to shove it, that her problems were not important because of the tragedy, and that she should just get over it. I told Sarah that she had been too harsh, that Janet's problems were her own and thus important to her, and that she wasn't going to be affected as much by the tragedy as Sarah had because she was all the way in Rhode Island (Sarah had been down the street).

After this argument, Sarah hung up on me. She didn't talk to me for another two weeks. Apparently in this time, as I tried to get in touch with her, she had asked Jen for her advice. She wanted to talk to me about a few issues she was having with me, not only from the argument but in general. Friends have issues with each other, they fight, it happens. She wanted to talk to me but I sometimes I can be bullheaded and she was afraid it wouldn't sink in. Jen suggested my favorite alternative (or it used to be). She suggested that Sarah write down how she felt so that I could have it all there on paper to digest, to read over, to let it sink in. That would have been a great idea, something that would have done a lot of good, except that Sarah did the most horrible thing she has ever thought up in her short, little life.

Sarah wrote me a scathing letter telling me that she no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore. She used everything she knew about me as a best friend to try and hurt me. She used my weaknesses as digs, she told me I had no more right to the story, she told me not to speak with her family anymore (her parents, who were like second parents to me) and even had the nerve to tell me that I am mean to her boyfriend (pardon me for telling him to calm down in my car while I am driving). She hurt me in the worst way possible, betraying my trust and plunging me into a horrible bought of depression. To make matters worse, she still wouldn't talk to me on the phone. I called her boyfriend, who I didn't hate, and he agreed to talk her into reading a letter from me. She did, I was sad and wanted to know why she would do something like this, it didn't help. She wrote another nasty letter to me. I got angry and wrote some nasty things in her website guestbook, which warranted an email from her mother. She, of course, took her daughter's side in the matter but expressed to me that she would miss me. Terry and Jen later told me that she had made a few comments about how she wished I was still around. It warmed my heart to know that she wished Sarah had made a different choice but she had to stand by her daughter and I understand that to this day.

I went through a horrible time, trying to talk to Terry and Jen (who I still considered my best friends) and a girl I had become equally close to at school (Sharon). It didn't help. What was worse, Terry and Jen expressed to me that they thought what Sarah had done was horrible but they didn't say anything to her. They didn't want to get involved and while I understood how they felt, I was upset that nobody was standing up for me. I was the only one standing up for myself and it hurt. Enter Janet! We were friends, but we became so much closer after the Sarah letter incident. She was the only friend who actually seemed angered by what Sarah did. She agreed that if Sarah could do this to me, her best friend, that she could do it to any of them. But even she stayed friends with Sarah. No one said anything to her, until around XMas time when Jen told her that maybe she had been a little harsh and that perhaps she should write me a nicer letter, or give me a call, to give me some closure. It really didn't work. Her letter was cold, devoid of emotion, and made me hate her even more. It sucked.

Well, as oddness usually happens in my life, Sarah and I got reacquainted. How, you ask? Well I had found her online journal via her AIM profile and read the first and second entries. She sounded horribly depressed as I had predicted she would. Her rejecting me from her life hadn't helped any of her problems, it had worsened them. Now she didn't have me to lean on, to vent to, to be her free therapist. To make matters worse, she was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist at school and one had suggested she enter into a temporary facility to help her deal with her issues. She refused, expressed that she thought her therapists were quacks and ignored their advice. But she sounded sad, so I IMed her and told her that I was still there for her. Thus started a new, tenuous friendship.

I tried to start out small, we couldn't be what we once were. 7 months after what had happened and I still wasn't strong enough to think about the issue without tearing up. But she wanted me to come to visit her in NYC. I told her I wanted to bring Janet. When Janet refused to go (she had expressed to me that she didn't like the idea that I was friends with Sarah again) I canceled. We got closer though, but Sarah never apologized for what she did. She said she felt bad, but she later expressed to me that she hadn't meant it. She felt that she had needed to do whatever it took to make herself feel better at the time. I was confused and horrified. She was trying to justify hurting someone that she loved, someone who had been one of the most positive influences in her life, just to make herself feel better. I couldn't get over the whole thing.

The end straw was when we had a picnic that summer. I was trying to have a traditional picnic...sandwiches and drinks, picnic basket, the whole 9-yards. I had asked Jen to please not get Subway, that I would make whatever sandwiches she liked but not to get fast food of any kind. Well Sarah insisted on getting sushi and also on bringing beer to our public picnic. I told her no beer. Terry and I were the only 21 year olds and drinking beer in public is illegal. I told her that we did not want beer at her picnic but she brought it anyway. We suspected it was for show, we had discovered that a lot of Sarah was centered around attention-seeking. Well, I got in a lot of little arguments with Sarah that day. For one, she didn't want to pay for parking (it was $3, there were 5 of us) so she wanted to lug a huge cooler full of ice (and one beer and one thing of sushi) up a humongous hill. After calling for her and Janet to hop in my car so we could go park up the hill, and being ignored, I drove off up the hill and we split the parking between the three of us. Janet and Sarah arrived 5 minutes later, sweating and lugging a cooler that had no purpose. The one beer she milked out of a paper bag all day was obviously just for show, as was the over-the-top buzz she pretended to have. Janet understood why we had paid for parking and not helped them carry the cooler, Sarah did not. I was also nagged by the fact that she wasn't sorry about what she did. We decided not to be friends once again. After severe journal wars, where we posted back and forth about each other on our xanga journals, Jen finally took a stand and told us both to knock it off. We did, and it has gotten to the point where we can both be friendly with each other without wanting to kill each other. She has seemed (once again) to have forgotten all about what happened after 9-11 and has never apologized. I have since moved on, though not as much as I thought I suppose, since I am posting about it here.





The problem
Now that Sarah and I are neutral with each other, I encounter her more frequently. I had to hang with her at a recent concert (where I saw Evanescence) because Janet needed someone to cushion the blow. She has also taken to IMing me as if we are friends and asking me advice about "the story" that she rewritten so many times that it has lost its original energy.

The problems are infinity-fold but I will try to lay them out as quickly and in as little writing as possible. One, she is now bisexual and claims to be in love with Janet. Janet wants nothing to do with the female gender but Sarah throws herself on Janet, calls her "her lady" and does things that would be consider, if she were a man, as sexual harassment. Janet doesn't say anything because, well, she is very submissive and because she feels like confronting Sarah is likened to slamming your head against a brick wall.

Terry and Jen rarely talk to Sarah, and when they do it is usually the same thing. Sarah talks all about herself, doesn't seem to care about anybody else's life, and is still having the same old issues (plus new ones). On top of this, her boyfriend Chad has become her fiancee (despite the fact that he has admitted to molesting two 5 year old girls when he was a teenager). Yeah, how sick is that? He admitted this to her, told her he was afraid that he would rape her if he was around her too much, but now they are engaged. Thank god he is off in Iraq with the Marines because none of us can handle him. Before he left, while on leave, he was trying to impress us with disgusting stories about eating raccoons and trying to show us moves he learned (and hurting Terry in the process).

She also had a brief fling with a guy named Ian who supposedly hit her when she told him she didn't want to make out with him, but now they are like the best of friends. Her life, she can make her own choices, but she insists on bringing him around us and he is snotty, arrogant and thinks he is god's gift to academia. None of us like him, but of course no one can express this to her because she is still overly sensitive (as I found out the one time I confronted her).

The basic problem is this...Jen has a very distant relationship with her (they talk about anime and manga only...Jen doesn't let her share personal stuff, Jen is stealthy), Terry doesn't make contact with her but he talks to her if she gets in contact with him. Janet tries to avoid her but stays friendly, except that Sarah and Chad have now tried to get it on in the middle of the woods with Janet and Janet had a freak attack. Sarah's explanation for being rejected by Janet is this: she won't hook up with Sarah because she is craving the love her father never gave her and she freaked out in the woods because she has never been with anyone that loved her as much as Chad and Sarah did. Yeah...right.

Brief synopsis, in case you are lost or cut down to this part of the incredibly long thread:

Terry barely puts up with her, Jen has a less-than-distant relationship with her and Janet is being sexually harassed by her and tries to avoid her. I occasionally encounter her online and even less in person.

MY PROBLEM (finally, I know): Nobody has ever said anything to Sarah about how they feel. They have never confronted her about their feelings, never even tried to guide her in the right direction. They've never expressed anger toward her, never expressed annoyance toward her, no one has even told her they hate Chad and think he is a psycho molester and how annoying he is. They avoid him like the plague, they can't stand when she brings Ian around (or talks about setting him up with nice, sweet girls who don't deserve his shit) but no one ever says a word. To this day, I am the only person who has ever expressed how I felt about Sarah to her face. Through letters after the incident, through our fights on the phone, in person and on our journals, I have expressed how I felt to Sarah. She hasn't gotten it.

THE QUESTION: Is it right for me to be angry, even if it isn't big anger, at my friends for never speaking up to her? Am I right in feeling that these three people should just tell her they want her out of their lives? I know Terry really could care less either way (like I said, nicest guy ever) but he is too nice to cut her off. Jen and Janet just don't want to go through the hassle of breaking off a friendship. But...am I justified in these feelings toward them? I love my best friends very much, but most of my information about Sarah's life nowadays comes from these three and I wish they would just cut her out of their lives. Is it so much to ask for them to just cut her off, let her go? I don't wanna be one of those dick friends, but I am so sick of her shit in my life and the "don't talk about her" approach didn't work. The truth is, she annoys them as much as she annoys me, and they know I am the one person who will understand...but none of them will say anything. GRR!! It is so frustrating and I love these people!! Is it such a big thing to ask them to cut ties with a person that makes their lives worse (even on a small scale)? Am I a bad person if I want them to choose between the two of us?

Please don't tell me it has been two years and that I should get over it. I know I should, but every time I do more shit comes up and I am back in the thick of it. I used to hold true to a belief that if anyone ever makes you choose between them and another, you choose the person who made you choose because a real friend would never put you in that situation. But now, I'm not so sure I believe that. I need this girl out of my life and I need advice in the worst way. So...is it wrong? Am I a bad friend if I make them choose? And do you think they will make the right decision and choose me?


Feel free to discuss the backstory too, if you want.
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