I know I should be over him already, and I know now the full extent of just how little he cared for me in the end.
But there's still so many flashbacks. Inside jokes, or songs.
He was the first boy I ever loved. And he's the first I've ever had to stop loving. Tell me how?
I don't want to still have love for someone who broke up with me because they decided they liked my friend better, especially not when I trusted them together. She doesn't return his sentiments, if that's relevant. I don't want to have love for someone too cowardly to tell me when he started to develop feelings for my friend- instead he told one of his guy friends, who sent me the IM conversation, that basically he couldn't be bothered breaking it off with me properly, so he'd let things 'unravel' with me. In other words, he treated me like absolute shite for about 3 weeks. And I kept trying to understand, thinking it was problems at home again and he just needed space, thinking maybe there was something I had done wrong-- when he was just pushing to see how much misery I'd take before I'd challenge him, and when I did- bam. text message breakup 'I have to stop hurting you.. excremement to that effect'. I wanted to maintain his friendship, but he makes so little effort to meet up-(and one of the few times he did make an effort- you guessed it, but I didn't until it was too late- booty call). Reading that IM conversation... I was physically ill. I don't think he deserves my trust anymore- he's breached it too often- and without trust, what is friendship? To top it off, I have a pretty big suspicion that he only really wanted my 'friendship' in a tokenistic way, so he'd still have access to my other friend. I can see so many reasons why I shouldn't care about him anymore. I've basically cut off contact, just have to get him to return a book I loaned him. He can keep everything I ever gave him but that, because it was a gift from a friend and it meant a lot to me. I know this is only one side of events, and I don't expect some great vindication. I know that it was right that he broke it off, because he no longer cared for me- but he should have done it so much earlier. I feel so used, and so stupid, to have sat there thinking 'he's only being like this because of his issues at home, it will all be ok in the end'.
I bet you all think I'm a fool.