Lib (libram) wrote in thequestionclub,
Lib
libram
thequestionclub

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I don't feel like I have a boyfriend.

I had a talk with my boyfriend a few weeks ago about how he's not really boyfriendy enough. He's cut off emotionally, and I can't 'get in' so to speak. I don't feel safe and secure emotionally like I would prefer, and that's stretching it after 3 months. We never go anywhere either, except for a couple of places in my neighborhood and in the city...he comes over and we just laze around cuz he doesn't wanna go anywhere. I've never been to his place. And if we do go out it's to the same damn restaurants. [Plus, we rarely have sex because he's not here very often.] Now I love the guy, but I'm really bored... He's sweet and all, he's really into me, and he cares a lot, but honestly...I just don't feel like I have a boyfriend.

I don't feel the same when I kiss him anymore. It's just a kiss. I mean, he hasn't been in a relationship for 4 years - so this is a step back into it for him, but still...I feel almost ignored on the girlfriend level. I know for a fact he doesn't mean to be doing this, but I'm in a bind. I've spoken to him about this before, and he agreed he needs work, and he asked me repeatedly if I was ready to put up with it or handle it while he works on himself. I said I was. I've been through worse (abusive relationships) so I figured it wouldn't be so bad. But I'm pulling my hair out. When I was feeling suidical he wasn't even the first person who popped into my head to call. Now I would feel bad going back on what I said, and saying that the whole "I'll wait till you work out your issues" thing is not exactly what I bargained for.

----

Here's where even more complications come in. Unrelated to the current boyfriend issue, I'm bisexual. I've been wrestling with which sex I like more for years, and lately I've been leaning a lot more towards women (I've always dated men, but that doesn't mean I don't look the other way as well). 80% of the time I'm checking out anybody, I find myself checking out females. Guys just..don't really do it for me. This includes my boyfriend most of the time. He's hot, he knows my buttons, he can make me laugh, but that doesn't change the fact that girls turn me on more, and all my fantasies involve women. I find myself just wishing I could hold a girl in my arms instead of being held by a guy who doesn't understand what I need. I don't feel my boyfriend understands that at all.

So here comes the big questions:
1) What should I do about my boyfriend, in reference to the first problem?
2) What should I tell him about all this when I speak to him?
3) Am I exhibiting traits of a lesbian? I'm not sure what I am, but the whole girl fantasy thing is really throwing me for a spin. I'm really REALLY confused about this, and I just wish I could hear accounts of full lesbians and when they realized that's what they were, and maybe get advice or a comparison or something.

Thanks for your help...any advice would be appreciated, but if you can please don't tell me "do what you feel"...I've heard it enough, and that's what I generally do as a rule. I'm asking for advice because I want to hear other's opinions about what I should do, not to be told to do what I feel is best. Thanks again,

Ari
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