June 16th, 2018

if only...

Is there something that was once within the realm of real possibility that you really wanted to do or be (maybe still do), but you have had to accept that it's never going to happen for you?  Did you expend a lot of effort trying to achieve it before letting go, or are you still trying?  How did you get over the loss, forgive yourself for failing, and let it go?

i played "doctor" today.  a coworker collapsed.  there wasn't a lot i could do but monitor her pulse and make sure she continued to breathe until the ambulance came, but it stimulated my diagnostic mind and reminded me of the GOOD parts of medicine...the physical and mental care of patients and puzzle solving.  but even more so, it stirred up the pain and loss of the permission, if that is the right word, of actually continuing my training and being licensed to practice independently.  i find it so difficult to accept that i am pretty much incapable at this point of mentally and physically handling residency again.  the failure feels unforgiveable, which is usually why i try to suppress all memories of that time (well, most of my life, actually).  i couldn't walk away from my coworker, though.  i fear my psychological failure nightmares will start again tonight.