"Two and a Half Men is just hilarious. I own every season. They sit on my shelf, next to my box set of the second best comedy series EVER: Full House"
"I hunt. A lot. Interestingly enough, I don't eat meat. I just collect the animals' tails. I have my 100 tails in my room"
"I...hate to talk about this, but you may find out on your own and it's better you hear it from me. I used to be a porn star up til last year. I made like 300 movies. Like, really slutty stuff"
"I have like a kid. A little girl. She's 9. And I, um...have another kid with another ex. He's 10. And, um, another kid with another ex. This one's 3 months"
"I'm not working. I'm writing my novel, which is going to make me the next Stephen King. My story's about dinosaurs vs. space aliens, and peace is brought about when Bigfoot gives birth to the promised one"
"I have IBS and I gotta shit now like you wouldn't believe. If I don't, I'm going to be farting in the car the whole way home"
"You know, Fox News isn't that bad. I thought I'd hate it, but it turns out I kind of agree with a lot of things that Bill O'Reilly says. The Democrats really are trying to destroy America"
"I hate reading. Books are for dorks. I'm plenty smart. I'm not Alfred Einstein, but I'm probably not far off"
"Ok, the bill is $30.02. Now, you had a bit more appetizers than I did and it was your idea, so you should pay for the whole thing. I just had the salad and water so my damage is just $5.14. I don't believe in tipping"
"You're pretty fun. I can't wait to see what you're like in bed. Let's drop by the liquor store and head back to my place, ok?"
"Yeah, haha, Jesus freaks are kind of crazy. But have you discovered Jesus, our Lord and Savior? No? Listen, we have to go to my church tomorrow. It'll be so much fun"
"My celebrity crush is Snooki. Oh, man, I love how hot and outspoken she is. Most people don't know how smart she is. I can talk for hours about her"
"I'm not proud of it, but yeah, I was in prison. 9 years. I did my time, and I think I learned a valuable lesson about forgiveness....and how much trouble burying a body is"
Nothing out of the ordinary, except his/her cell phone goes off during dinnr and the cell phone ring is Miley Cyrus
"No, I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop at any time. How much do I drink? I dunno, like a bottle of vodka every night. It sounds like a lot but it isn't"