||[May. 18th, 2008|12:08 pm]
The Question Club
People, if you are so dumb that you're considering crime to get ahead in the world, think it through first. I know the neurons rubbing together can burn sometimes, but it's better for you in the end.|
Which reminds me of one of my various ongoing thought projects: if I were a sleazeball that wished to resort to crime, what would I do to maximize profit and minimize the chance of fuck-me-in-the-ass prison time?
1. Valet lifting.
Around here, there are valet stops everywhere. Just about every restaurant has one outside their doors. And have you seen your average valet lately? The skeezier, the better. My idea: get some friends, some slacks and blazers, throw together a sandwich board, print up some numbered tickets, and you're in business. Once the last of your friends has been given a car, they pick up the sandwich board and take off. People give you their key, and don't suspect anything for hours! By the time they do, you're long gone. If you're lucky, they even gave you their house keys, and there's some indication of their address somewhere in the car.
2. Sports donations.
The Cubs are huge in Chicago, most probably because they don't seem to be very good at winning games within the last century. This would also work with any other underdog or sufficiently moneyed popular sports team. Get the biggest and most annoying Team X jersey and hat you can find, make up a clipboard full of appropriate forms, and start walking and knocking. Bonus points if you gin up some kind of certificate of authenticity proving you are who you say you are.
Then, start going door to door looking for donations in the name of said sports team. Sponsors would have the choice of donating something like $2 per win, $.25 per run and $.50 per home run, or just a straight dollar amount for the season. They also get to choose from a short list of target charities. Later on in the season, you follow up with scoring updates, and start collecting money when the season is over. Then make up a cheap-o one page newsletter full of unverifiable information and Google images, so the marks can feel good about what they gave and be more likely to donate next season. Yes, I admit to being inspired by Choke on this last bit.
So, what would you do to hone and improve these ideas? What would you do to prevent unscrupulous people from implementing them? What are your own ideas?