Ok, so my first relationship (nearly 2 years) ended about 4 months ago. This was a very abusive relationship. But I was very much in love with him. The break up was very serious, and I lost the plot for a while there. Example, being suicidal, drinking till I am blind, waking up in different people's beds. I have made mistakes. But I have very much changed my ways, and cleaned up a lot.
I go in and out of depression, and this just pushed me over the edge. Very dark times I spent in my mind. It has only been the last month that I have started to see the light. I no longer love him as much as I did. I care, but I can make it on my own. I am happy where I am right now. I have learnt a lot about myself, and I have grown into a much better person.
I promised myself that I would be alone for a while, so that I could grow alone, and be happy, alone.
Recently this awesome guy has come into my life. He makes me laugh and smile. We can talk for hours without being bored. We are just so right for each other. I am worried he will ask me out soon. I want to be with him. But I don't know if I should go out with him so soon. I just don't see the point in waiting when I know it is right for me. I am just scared of loosing the person I have made myself, my independence and my identity. I lost it once, it can happen again. I am also scared of trusting him, and I know that in the end it is heart break. We are 18 and 19, no we aren't going to be together forever, I just don't know if the pain is worth it. I don't want to lead this guy on, I want to be with him, I just feel like I have broken my promise.
I am also scared that I will go running back to my ex. I sleep with him from time to time. Im scared my mother will freak out because it is so soon. I am worried that it will be a failure. I am worried that my ex will hurt me (he has beaten me up) he very much controls me still, worried about the reactions from my friends.
Thing is, I am in love with someone else. I have a friend who lives two states away from me. We have been best friends for 3 years. We will be seeing each other again in January. I love him. I was in love with him when I was with my boyfriend. I am scared I'll see him, and think I have made a mistake with being with this other guy. However, I am not willing to move my entire life to be with this guy.