was never much but we've made the most (jira_rd) wrote in thequestionclub,
was never much but we've made the most
jira_rd
thequestionclub

If you could go back in time and change one thing in your life, what would it be?



I would change what led to my dropping out of school in 2009. I dropped out due to my eating disorder and bipolar disorder, however, if I could, I would switch my depression that came over me for about six months at that time to mania. I got such good grades up until that point (aside from the semester that I had mono and couldn't even get out of bed for a month and my grades slipped only due to that), and I was losing weight. I'd had weight loss surgery prior and had lost 60 pounds and was losing more, and then I dropped out and went into major depression and gained over the course of 3 years about 115 pounds until I was higher than my previous weight where I'd had weight loss surgery.

I sometimes believe if I hadn't dropped out and had maintained going to school with my mania, I might have graduated sooner and, while it's not healthy, continued losing weight. I actually felt alive then and successful at times, instead of what I feel now, which is a numbness that permeates my daily life and like a failure at all times. I miss that sense of manic life, even if I hated myself, because I still hate myself but now I'm too numb to care and back then at least I wanted to change and back then I felt like there was hope.

(and yes, I know, therapy/medication but I've tried close to nine different medications and many therapists and various mixes of said medications and nothing works, I'm beginning to think I'm eternally fucked up and quite frankly, I've given up because I can't waste more money or afford it anyways and nothing helps and I'm just tired of this shit.

dk/dk: What was your best Christmas gift?
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