amles80 (amles80) wrote in thequestionclub,
amles80
amles80
thequestionclub

One year after the break-up?

Did I do the right thing when I just told my ex that I don’t think I can do this anymore? This holding up a resemblance of friendship when I’m still hurting so much inside and she refuses to talk about it.

Is it unreasonable to want some explanations, to want to know her thoughts, to want to try to understand why her feelings changed? I don’t know the proper etiquette after a break-up…

Is it always this difficult to stay friends? Some people say it’s always impossible as long as one person still has feelings for the other…

What is the best way to get over someone?



She broke up with me one year ago. We had a wonderful long distance relationship but it ended when we met in person. (I understand that it’s “normal” that that happens, but I was genuinely in love with her and my feelings didn’t change upon meeting her in person.) She broke up with me on the chat (because that was easier for her than to talk to me face to face) after a tense week when I couldn’t understand what I was doping wrong. Then we spent almost three weeks together (mostly at night because she slept through the days) and I tried my very best to act like a good friend, not a hurt and sad emotional wreck…

I just couldn’t understand how it was possible for her to act like she was madly in love with me for six months – before those six months we had spent four months getting to know each other and we always talked almost daily, for hours – and then say that just thinking about acting like a girlfriend tied her into knots. It’s not like it came as a surprise to her that I met her at the airport thinking that she was just as happy to see me as I was. She was so uncomfortable, and that was very painful for me. All I wanted was to love her, and she had led me to believe that it was okay for me to feel that way; that she wanted me to love her because she felt the same way about me. But then she spent most of her time here in her room, and rarely saw me in daylight.

I always thought that when she was back home again and we had an ocean between us, she would want to talk to me about it and explain her thoughts and feelings.

But she didn’t. I wrote to her and tried to explain how I felt and ask her some questions, but she didn’t respond so I stopped. I tried to be patient and understanding. She had a lot of stuff going on back home and I figured she needed time, because obviously she must feel hurt and confused, too. She came all this way to see me in person and then it felt to her like I was some scary stranger… I am genuinely sorry it turned out to be so hard for her, but… we were in it together, weren’t we?

All she has told me is that she never has time. Maybe like once every sixth week, sometimes more often, she sends me a short message or talk to me on the chat. She tells me what she’s doing and sometimes asks me “how have you been?” or something like that, but changes the subject or says that she has to leave if I try to tell her how I’m feeling.

I honestly don’t know what she gets out of it. What is it that she wants from me? What’s in it for her? For me, it’s only painful because I still love her and I miss what we had, and in a way I’m happy that she’s still in my life but it is also extremely difficult to act like everything is fine. I don’t know how to talk to her, I’m afraid of upsetting her by being too emotional (if I get emotional she responds by telling me how busy she is, or she doesn’t respond at all) because I understand that if a couple is to remain friends after a break-up, the one that has been broken up with has to accept facts and not make it difficult by bringing up the past. But I have so many unanswered questions; I would like to know what she is thinking!

But maybe that is too much to ask for? should I just suck it up and keep quiet? My sister told me months ago that “the normal procedure” after a break-up is that the person who ends the relationship says bye bye and is never heard from again. It’s just childish to expect that talking about it is an option.

I don’t know. I’ve been so confused. I’ve wanted to keep her in my life but like I said, I honestly don’t see why she wants to “stay” in this way. Our conversations are brief and tense, maybe that’s my fault for being nervous and afraid of upsetting her, but even so, I think it must feel just as awkward for her?! She is always the one who initiates the conversations. Once, in September, she sent me photos from a family gathering. I have written to her sometimes, but she doesn’t respond. The other day she sent me a message with youtube links, and clarified that the first song (the title had something to do with ‘love’) was not a statement on her and I.

Well, I told her that I no longer expect any such statements, and that it is better if we don’t talk at all for awhile, because I need to get over her and I can’t as long as we do this “talking, but not talking” thing. It’s true that it’s getting easier; I don’t really cry anymore and I can find distractions and I have fun sometimes, etc, but I’m also NOT over her, so that’s why I told her not to contact me for quite a long time.

Now I’m worried that I made a mistake. Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe she’ll be hurt that I can’t be her “friend” anymore. On the other hand, she has had a year to make me feel like she cares at all about my feelings… and what can I give her now that I have nothing but sadness left inside of me?
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