Eight months ago the first man I ever loved brought up marriage with me for the first time, and then days later cheated on me and got engaged to his "best friend". He didn't tell me for days, and only did because a friend saw them together and told me. We weren't together for long [5 months] but our relationship was all-consuming and intense, we were fast friends and fell in love from friendship, we lived together essentially from day one, and had extensive long-term plans that meant everything to me. I'd never let myself really love someone before - I was always too afraid to open up and be real. But I opened myself up to him completely and losing him has felt like losing a part of me, every single day. I trusted him completely and I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone ever again.
I feel pathetic that it's been 8 months, he's already about to get married to the other girl, and I still feel so sad about it. I think about him every day. Some days I think I'm much better, but when I compare my overall happiness to how I was before, it's incomparable. I'm just miserable compared to before him, or with him.
Part of this is also because when he cheated on me and our relationship ended, I was thrown into homelessness [we had been living together] and I had already been unemployed after losing my job over the holidays [my stupid fault, too], which took a huge toll on me emotionally and mentally. I climbed out of being homeless, got a job and place to live, but the overwhelming sense of failure I felt and still feel from losing the man I loved, losing the job I needed for my livelihood over the holidays and not being able to find a new one for months and months... I'm just so broken. I don't have money for a therapist. I barely have money to pay my bills. I miss him so much and he absolutely hates me, as if I even wanted to see him again anyway. I never got closure from him. Or an apology or anything. He just instead has held on to telling everyone I'm a horrible person, creating a new reality for himself. I hate that I've let someone so vile affect me so much. But it's a lot easier to blame myself and think maybe he's right and I was horrible all along. I just feel like I've failed at everything that meant anything to me.
Sorry I'm rambling. I'd hide this in a cut but I don't know how. I'm just honestly so depressed and any advice on this would help. Thank you...