she knocks me off my feet (so__bittersweet) wrote in thequestionclub,
she knocks me off my feet

Oh hai!

Hello TQC!

I'm new! I've been lurking for quite some time, posting a couple replies here and there, but I figured I needed a proper post of my own. I've had a lot of spare time the past couple of days, so the pace of this community has kept me entertained and distracted - thank you all for that.

I'm going to give a huge rant here about all the shit happening in my life which you are welcome to ignore or comment on as you see fit, but as per the community rules, I'll throw a question here:

- What is a fantastic TV show that you're obsessed with? I like things like Criminal Minds, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family, etc. I'm not a big "fantasy" fan - things with vampires, or things not set in "modern times" don't usually hold my interest. I'm also a HUGE reality TV fan. I'm looking for a new show to tide me over until Big Brother starts!

Annoying background/rant about the disaster that is my life:
I'm going through a bit of a rough patch with my fiancee, so we're spending some time apart to get ourselves sorted out a bit - I've gone to my 'rents. The "rough patch" is a combination of things - us growing apart as a couple and falling into "the friend zone", resulting in both of us kind of "looking other places" for the attention we needed.

This culminated in me essentially running off to hang out with a guy (despite being a "gold star" lesbian) under the guise of being "friends" with him, but he had other intentions due to our flirting. I had a huge surge of guilt and ran back home after he had flown across the country to hang out with me, leaving him alone in a strange city for the weekend - I'm a bitch, I know. The fiancee had put everything together, was understandably angry, and we spent that day yelling at each other, her telling me that we were "done, beyond repair, over", etc. I spent about 12 hours trying to talk to her, writing her letters of apology, etc. but I eventually decided to cut my losses, and called my mother to figure out what my options were as far as moving out - I'm a grad student so my parents pay my rent. Mom and Dad came right away and picked me up to take me out of the situation, and in a strange turn of events, once I had "accepted" the break-up, suddenly the fiancee started talking like we still had a chance to fix everything, and that every hurtful thing she had said earlier was just her anger talking. So I'm a bit confused - to literally go from yelling at me that you hate me, to me going outside for a phone call, coming in to tell you that I'm leaving, and suddenly it was the anger talking? It makes me feel like the whole thing was a bluff on her part and she was never going to actually go through with the break-up.

I am leaving out quite a few details, including her earlier actions - falling in love with someone else while we were still together, and other issues we've had. The way I've told the story really makes me look like a horrible person, which I assure you I'm not. We went 8+ months without being affectionate, days without speaking - she quit her job and literally stays at home all day, staying up all night playing WoW and talking with boys on Skype. Someone who lives in pajamas all day and has no ambition to find what they want to do with their life is horribly unattractive to me. She does contribute financially to us - her dad gives her a set amount of money per week which she is using to pay for rent/groceries/etc. So in her eyes, because she isn't "mooching" off me, she's allowed to do nothing all day. When she initially quit her masters ~2 months ago, that was after a period of about 5 months of her going in MAYBE once a week, and not really doing anything while she was there. She claims she needs time to figure out what she wants to do, but I don't see her doing any research into schools or looking for jobs or anything. I supported her when she said she wanted to quit, but I told her to get a part-time job in the meantime to keep her busy. In my experience, working a job you hate is the best motivation in the world to find a job that you want to do. Even volunteering somewhere I would support - something to get her out of the house and DOING something.

So here I am, at home for a week, figuring out what I want. At this point, I'm thinking of discussing with her some of the points I've discussed here - we both need to stop playing WoW, as that game was definitely our undoing. She needs to have some direction in her life - whether its volunteering, working part-time somewhere, or going back to school. Staying at home all day is just unacceptable. We need to do more things together. We've discussed tons of things we want to do - visiting farmers markets, taking cooking classes, all kinds of stuff. That is not to say I don't have things to work on too - I need to be more affectionate. I think part of it is a lot of internalized homophobia due to growing up in a very strict Catholic family. While my family has accepted both me and her with open arms, it is still hard to forget some of the things you heard as a young child during "sex" ed in school.

Anyways, this has been quite the rant. I commend anyone who made it this far. Thank you for listening =)
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