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[Mar. 5th, 2014|08:29 pm]
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[wut]
hiiii tqc. i haven't posted here in awhile but i have a dilemma on my hands.

i've decided i want to break up with my boyfriend. he's in jail, has been off/on since i met him. he's been in jail since dec 3rd of 2013. he's probably gonna get 1-3 years but he hasn't been to court yet (it's on the 7th)

i'm only 19 and i don't think i want to wait around that long anymore, but he doesn't know that yet. i don't know how to tell him. he has visitations twice a week and i can write him, but i feel like writing him would be shitty.

things that are important to know: he has a temper (not violent) and he's emotional, i'm his only friend now (he had plenty but blahblah drama), he has family but they're kinda in/out of his life, he's had an extremely troubled life (bad/abusive parents) and we've always talked about our future and i thought he was the one, but i'm finding myself extremely doubting that.

i know 100% that this is what i want to do, but i'm very non-confrontational and i don't want to hurt him because he's one of the best friends i've ever had. what do i doooooo :-(
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: kinkakinka
2014-03-06 02:40 am (UTC)

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I'd write him a letter because it would feel awkward to break up with someone in a prison visitation room where people could be looking at you and shit, but that's just me.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 02:47 am (UTC)

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well, the visits are through webcam and they give you a phone to use. i'm usually one of three people there, if even that many. it's just been me lately. the only people that would be looking are inmates, but idk. my dad's been in and out of jail in his younger days and he told me a "dear john" letter would be 30x worse than a visitation breakup :/
[User Picture]From: jeesh
2014-03-06 02:44 am (UTC)

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Yeah I would go with a letter. Doing that shit in the middle of a prison with people watching would be so awkward n who the fuck knows what could happen. Atleast in a letter he can sit and process it and deal with it. And he can write you back if he wants, which he probably will.
That really sucks, but you're probably making a wise decision. Best of luck! I hope it goes smoothly.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 02:49 am (UTC)

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yeah, i'm mostly scared of his reaction if i did it in person :| he can be a little irrational and i know the breakup would come out of nowhere to him

thanks! ♥♥
[User Picture]From: jeesh
2014-03-06 05:26 am (UTC)

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I don't blame you.. That would be terrifying, even if he isn't violent.
[User Picture]From: kissofcinnamon
2014-03-06 02:46 am (UTC)

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Run. Seriously. Run away. Your life is just starting. You do not need the complications that being with a felon will bring. I promise you, you will find someone else.

Break up with him in a letter. Normally that might not be a nice thing to do, but when you're in jail you're likely going to be reading a letter in relative peace and quiet, and alone. Visitation means an emotional scene in front of other people. In this particular case, a letter is the nicer option.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 02:50 am (UTC)

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i am! he's really not a bad guy and he got framed for this last jail visit, so i feel kinda bad. valid point though!

i've already met a guy who's extremely sweet, hard working, has job potential, and whatnot. (this hasn't influenced my decision anyway and i haven't "cheated" or anything) blehghghghgh, it's just all confusing!
[User Picture]From: kissofcinnamon
2014-03-06 03:06 am (UTC)

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It is confusing. And it's worse when you have a lot of empathy for the guy in jail and there are reasons that he's been in trouble that complicate the black and white "he's a bad guy or bad, stupid guy." You want to be supportive and loving. You want to be the one person who doesn't bail. I get it. Is there any chance that he won't get time? Would that change your decision?

It'll be hard to do to let him know, but you'll be doing the right thing for you. Especially if the guy has a temper and has been in and out of jail. My suggestion, and it's just a suggestion, is to let him know as gently as you can that you don't see a future together anymore as a couple, but that you're not abandoning him (unless you need to do that for you).

Send him letters or postcards when you can, if you have the resources and wherever he ends up allows, subscribe to some magazines for him, put some money on his commissary if you can. Be a friend but make sure that your letters or cards are only friendly, and let him know you've moved on and are pursuing your life.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 03:14 am (UTC)

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he's gonna be doing a year at the very least :/ i dunno. i forgot to mention that he lived with me (and my dad) before he went to jail, so all of his stuff is here :/

i'd probably still be with him if he weren't in jail. he's very dedicated, hardworking, kind, and always put me before him. but at the same time, i don't feel the same way i did before he went in. i still care about him very deeply but i don't feel like i'm in love anymore, which makes me question if i really ever was.

yeah, you pretty much wrote out exactly what i was planning on doing. i still wanna be there for him. bleh
[User Picture]From: wobblerlorri
2014-03-06 03:35 am (UTC)

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Yeah, almost everyone in jail was framed or didn't do it. Lots of innocent people in jail.

You're so young, you don't need an anchor like this loser around your neck. Write the letter and move on.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 03:49 am (UTC)

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well, i appreciate the sarcasm but he had a very hateful ex-girlfriend after him who pinned him for something he didn't do
[User Picture]From: blackdwarv
2014-03-06 05:07 am (UTC)

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I got to agree with wobblerlorri, no sarcasm. Even if he were innocent (and yes... just about everyone in prison isn't in there for what they did... it was what everyone else did or didn't do for them... they are all innocent...), you are hooking yourself up for some very hard times if you hitch your star to this guy. Even if we assume he's on the straight and narrow afterward, he'll still have huge problems getting a job, and just about every place to live can kick him (and you) out at any time. Being an ex-con is a horrible situation, punishment far beyond the crime, yet it is what you will be facing in just a few years.

Don't do it. Part of the power of youth is that you never quite understand how young you really are... and you are going to hate to hear this, but at 19 you are so young, that in two years you will look back and just *shudder* at who you were back then. Don't cripple yourself. If you need to, say you are going to go and fool around for the time he's in jail. When he gets out... then you can decide.
[User Picture]From: kmeghan
2014-03-07 01:53 am (UTC)

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This.
[User Picture]From: wobblerlorri
2014-03-06 05:26 am (UTC)

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Not being sarcastic. If you ask 99% of the prison population, it's not their fault they're in prison -- it's someone else's fault. It's a pattern with career criminals (which this guy sounds like) -- everyone except themselves is to blame for everything bad that happens to them.

Again, ditch this guy ASAP, because sooner or later you'll be the person he's blaming for the next bad thing that happens to him.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 10:25 pm (UTC)

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fair enough, but you still have no idea what's on his record or why he's in there lol. i see where you're coming from though, thank you
[User Picture]From: wobblerlorri
2014-03-07 08:57 pm (UTC)

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Doesn't really matter, now, does it? You yourself said he's been in and out of jail, and he's looking at a minimum 1 year stretch now. Why are you trying to minimize the fact that he's a career criminal with no regard for the law?
[User Picture]From: ilysespieces
2014-03-06 06:15 pm (UTC)

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i agree with everything you have to say.
[User Picture]From: purplecat
2014-03-06 02:52 am (UTC)

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It sounds like this is what you want to do, so do it. It'll suck, it'll be hard, but you gotta do what's best for you.

Maybe write a letter, and bring it with you. Definitely do it in person, and maybe give him the letter so he can re-read it when he needs to.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 02:54 am (UTC)

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i wish i could! they have to be mailed.
[User Picture]From: purplecat
2014-03-06 02:55 am (UTC)

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Really? That's annoying :/ Even if they check it before visitation? :/
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 02:57 am (UTC)

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yeah :/ they have to scan them, take off the stamps (people were hiding drugs under stamps), then they cut them open and read them before they give them to the inmates. they're pretty hardcore over here
[User Picture]From: hipslikehell
2014-03-06 03:31 am (UTC)

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i think this is a good decision for you. i agree with everyone else that it would be wise to put it in a letter instead of during a visit, that way if he gets emotional or angry (both very normal responses) he can do so in private.

since you care about him and because he is probably going through a really rough time in his life, i would let him know that you are here to be his friend and if he wants (and you're comfortable with it), you will come visit every so often. it'll be tough, but losing his friends and losing you on top of already having lost his freedom may help him turn his life around.
[User Picture]From: hipslikehell
2014-03-06 03:32 am (UTC)

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be aware, though, that he may not want anything to do with you after this and you will have to accept that and move on as well.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 03:57 am (UTC)

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the reason i'm afraid to do it is because i feel like his life wouldn't improve because of his depression, but i don't knowww

i can't predict that or put that on myself :/
[User Picture]From: wobblerlorri
2014-03-06 03:33 am (UTC)

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Break up with him. You're only 17, there are many many many MANY "he's the ONE" moments out there waiting for you. You don't need to be tied down to a man who's going to prison for years, who's going to be limited in what he can do for a career because of that, and who probably doesn't care about having a career in the first place.

Don't do it in person. Write a letter. Refuse any letters from him. Make the break clean.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 03:50 am (UTC)

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i'm not 17, i'm almost 20

i appreciate your honesty but i don't care for the harsh assumptions about him!
[User Picture]From: wobblerlorri
2014-03-06 05:28 am (UTC)

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Not assuming anything past what you said yourself -- he's been "in and out" of jail since you met him. Now he's looking at a 1 to 3 year stretch.

He's a career criminal, and breaking the law obviously means nothing to him. You don't need his shit fucking up your life. Get rid of him as quickly as you can.
[User Picture]From: noodledays
2014-03-06 04:25 pm (UTC)

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well actually you did assume she was 17. ;)
[User Picture]From: wobblerlorri
2014-03-06 11:46 pm (UTC)

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No, I misread "19" for "17". I do that late at night when my eyes are dry...
[User Picture]From: noodledays
2014-03-07 12:04 am (UTC)

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I figured, and it was part of the reason for the ;) emoticon.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2014-03-06 03:46 am (UTC)

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I would do it in a letter, because i feel it would be kind of awaked in a public visitation room, but idk much about prison. This way he can kind of...deal with it on his own. I wouldn't want him to make an embarrassment of himself by being that surprised and generating more drama by being public/me there (since it sounds like you being there may be a bigger trigger).

Good luck. You're doing the right thing. Its better to break up then be a half-assed pity gf waiting for the day he's emotionally secure enough to break up (regardless of he's in jail or not).
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 03:51 am (UTC)

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thank you!

yeah, i thought me doing it in person wouldn't be the best idea but my dad was offended that i'd break up with him over a letter (not going with what he says necessarily, just interesting to see the differing opinions)
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2014-03-06 04:41 am (UTC)

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Well when daddies gotta break up with his beau then he can do it in person!
[User Picture]From: e_y_d
2014-03-06 04:41 am (UTC)

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I vote letter too. I imagine it'll probably be easier for both of you.
And don't feel like you owe it to him to be there and sit through a tirade, if you think he's going to completely blow up over it. You don't need to subject yourself to that just to give him the satisfaction of telling you off in person. (I may be projecting buuut I have seen this a lot in dudes with short fuses).
[User Picture]From: lai_lai_ranma
2014-03-06 04:48 am (UTC)

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Letter. Speaking as someone whose loved one was in jail and I visited him too when we were together, my sympathies man. It sucks so much.

You're young though and can find someone who will make you very happy.
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[User Picture]From: failstoexist
2014-03-06 11:53 am (UTC)

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I agree that a letter might be the best way to do this. I don't think waiting 3 years is the only issue here....he's also got a temper, is making bad choices that are landing him in jail, and has a ton of emotional baggage....that's a LOT to manage at your age. If you want to let him know that you're available IF he wants to contact you, as a friend, then that's cool....it might take him a while to do so, but if you think he has no one else, and you still want to be friends with him, then leave that up to him.

It's also really difficult to be someone's only friend, especially while they're going through a really rough time....to add trying to maintain a relationship while he's in jail to all that is just really going to be so difficult. I think you're making the right choice here.
[User Picture]From: demonologie
2014-03-06 07:15 pm (UTC)

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The most important thing to remember is that you're not responsible for filling in the gaps in his personal relationships, but you DO have a responsibility to do the right thing for yourself.

is the visitation in person or over those weird glass separations/phone things? I'm always of the opinion that a break up should come in person, but if you're worried he'll make a scene, a letter might be better for maintaining the friendship.
[User Picture]From: phirephaerie
2014-03-06 07:54 pm (UTC)

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I know from experience that dating a man in jail is really hard. I had to deal with that a few years back. If he's in there for several months or longer it's horrible. It can be very much a rough experience not only for him, but you as well. The longer he is away, the harder it gets. But it is definitely doable. But only do it if YOU want to. Don't do it just for him. You need to be happy too. Whether it's in a relationship with him or just as his friend.

Because you say he has a temper, I would suggest you break things off with him while not facing him. A phone call is a decent way to do it. But if you feel a phone call would just end with him yelling or crying and giving you endless reasons to stay with and wait for him, writing a letter may be the better approach to take. With a letter, you can get all of your thoughts out on paper. Same for him. And if you desire a friendship with him to remain in place, you can clearly state that in your letter. If you plan on "being there" for him, let him know it. Don't promise to be his friend though and then never write to him. That will hurt worse. Oftentimes when a person has an extended stay in jail/prison they find out who really cares the most about them when nearly everyone decides to never write them at all or only does it once throughout their entire stay.

Good luck to you both.
[User Picture]From: wut
2014-03-06 10:27 pm (UTC)

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thank you! ♥
[User Picture]From: kmeghan
2014-03-07 01:51 am (UTC)

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Get way from this man and don't look back. Write him a letter, and then cut all contact. I'm sorry that he's in this situation, but his crappy life decisions don't need to bring you down. You're 19.
[User Picture]From: anais_pf
2014-03-07 07:44 am (UTC)

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You definitely should break up with him. You don't want to be tied down to someone who's going to be in jail; you want to enjoy your life and date someone who you can, well, see in person!

What about writing your boyfriend a letter explaining that you need to break up with him, but that you hope to remain friends, and saying that you will come and visit him on X date (a date that will definitely be AFTER he reads the letter). Tell him in the letter that you really hate to break up with him by letter, but you also didn't want to do it in a semi-public setting with guards watching, etc. Tell him that you two can discuss it more when you visit him in person.

If you can manage to remain friends with him and visit him every so often but just as a friend, that would be a kindness.