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[Feb. 13th, 2013|08:53 pm]
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[elikaa]
I'm having some issues with my mum and was wondering if any of you had any advice for me:

I think my mum is jealous of mine and my best friends relationship. I see him every other week, usually he comes over to mine and I'll cook something for us to eat, or I'll go over to his and he'll cook something for me. When he's over at mine however, my mum doesn't leave us alone. She'll come into my room and wait to take over the conversation we were having, or she'll rush in and ask my best friend to come and look at something she found on her computer despite us being mid convo. When I'm cooking for my best friend, she'll come into the kitchen and do stuff to get in the way, like organize the cutlery draw or start baking a pie. She also likes to belittle me in front of my best friend by making fun of my cooking and insinuating I'm a terrible cook even though I know I'm not and my best friend loves my food. Today she really got on my tits because I told her I was baking my boyfriend stuff for valentines day last week, and my best friend was coming over to help, so could she leave us alone in the kitchen to do that because she usually gets in the way right as we're trying to sort out food.

She comes into my room this morning to tell me she has her friends coming over in the evening and that she wants to cook something in the oven if that's OK with me. I tell her its fine, my baking won't take me more than 2 hours. She decides she wants to cook something that is going to take 5 hours in the oven. I'm a little pissed but its fine, I move the thing shes cooking down lower in the oven and bake my stuff one at a time. As I'm on my second tray, she comes in and starts making a fuss because she wants her dinner to cook in time for her friends to come and why am I taking so long to bake and can I just hurry up and finish already so she can make what she needs to. My best friend shoots me a look because he knows she does this all the time and it pisses me off, and I get so annoyed I grab my stuff out the oven, move it up to my room and stay there with my friend for the rest of the evening.

I ask him if I was being childish for storming off like that and he said no, my mum is really unreasonable every time he is over and it makes him uncomfortable too.

EDIT: If it matters I do pay rent to stay here and I feeling resentment towards that because I feel like she's still treating me like a child despite me being a tenant that lives here and should be able to use the oven when I ask in advance.

What would you say to her TQC? I feel like the reason she keeps doing this is because I don't open my mouth and tell her shes being a pain but she always blows my attempts at telling her she upsets me way out of proportion and I still have to live with her. I feel too angry right now to know what is and isn't acceptable to say.

Thanks.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: pirahan
2013-02-13 08:59 pm (UTC)

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I would ask her why she's doing these things and if she even notices it. If she reacts poorly I wouldn't invite my friend over and only ant at his house.
[User Picture]From: the_pyre
2013-02-13 09:27 pm (UTC)

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She sounds like a jealous high school girl, honestly.
[User Picture]From: miss_almost
2013-02-13 10:13 pm (UTC)

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idk what id say exactly, but id bring up the rent/tenant issue. like either you pay rent and get treated as a tenant so you can schedule time in the kitchen, have privacy so she cant just walk into your room, has to leave your guests alone...or she can keep up what shes doing and you wont be paying rent.

i mean, depending on how realistic it is for you to consider moving out...this might not be the best approach. like you cant threaten to pay rent else where so you get treated the way you should be...if thats not a legit option. especially if she knows that.

otherwise i might just give her the cold shoulder, as childish as that sounds. before when i or people i know delt with difficult roommates...they usually just shut up, never spoke to them unless they needed to and were merely roommates who were civil to each other but werent friends. living with someone can be really difficult and if the issues arent solved (or one of the people refuses to cooperate) unless you move out...you dont have much option besides to limit your interactions to as little as possible. like you pay rent so youre paying to live there and use the furniture, doesnt mean you have to have a good relationship with the people youre sharing a roof with.
[User Picture]From: grrillaesthete
2013-02-13 11:23 pm (UTC)

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Pretty much. If you are paying rent, you should be able to do as you please.

Put a lock on your door. Doesn't solve the cooking issue, but will keep her from busting in on your friend and you. Does she think she is keeping you from cheating on your BF? I think I remember you mentioning this situation before, and she was sketched out by a boy best friend and a boyfriend.

Move out if possible. I mean, you're an adult, she can't treat you like one, why stick around?
[User Picture]From: elikaa
2013-02-13 11:27 pm (UTC)

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My best friend is gay so I don't think shes worried about that. Trust me if I had the finances to move out I would :( unfortunately I'm still studying so I can't afford a proper place and I get discounted rent at home.
[User Picture]From: grrillaesthete
2013-02-13 11:38 pm (UTC)

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Maybe she is sad she doesn't have a gay of her own, like on the TeeVee. It is hard living with your parents as an adult, so good luck and godspeed in your studies.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2013-02-14 12:51 am (UTC)

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Sounds to me kind of like shes lonely and/or wants to hang out with you guys. I mean if youre an adult its kinda crappy to totally leave her out if your doing things in your home-i dont mean invite her to bake with you, but even just a nice hi, hello, her asking your friend for advice on a painting, etc, is fine. Shes not exactly a roommate, she probably feels a bit frustrated shes not in your life more!

This is why being a "tenant" for your parents rarely works, its a totally different dynamic then most landlords. You live at home, and while you pay rent, i still feel living with family is different (socially) then living with a potential landlord. Give your mum some respect and communicate with her like you would anyone else--tell her whats wrong, tell her why you stomped off, tell her it bothers you when she tries to get in on you and your best friends time, tell her when you want space, and if she is totally unreasonable and not flexible well then....its her house.
[User Picture]From: spiltmemory
2013-02-14 05:15 am (UTC)

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this.
[User Picture]From: elikaa
2013-02-14 11:44 am (UTC)

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lol I don't completely ignore her in our daily life. When it's just us she's fine with me. When my best friend comes over she just switches and gets really catty and competitive. He and my mum have a good relationship where they do talk to each other so idk what her deal is.

As for communicating, I felt like I did that already by making it clear that I'd be in the kitchen that day and needed space to do what I wanted to do, giving her the opportunity to let me know if that was ok or not. She takes that kind of communication as criticism sometimes though and can get pretty sensitive.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2013-02-14 02:31 pm (UTC)

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Yeah, the reason i mention it is sometimes people need you to be straight up horribly blunt with them :/ Its uncomfortable though.