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online "dating" [Jan. 15th, 2013|12:36 pm]
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[sluice]
Do you think it's possible to just look for making friends when you make an account for online dating?


I joined Plenty of Fish a couple of weeks ago, just wanting to see what was out there.  What I got was having to read every message and screen things in order to see if I even wanted to talk to people.  So I dropped that and went to Ok Cupid because some friends said it's fun and you can do like quizzes, answer questions, etc. 

I find that the screening process is so much easier and the conversations are far more stimulating, but I'm still getting people who want to talk to me for long periods of time or ask me out, knowing they want more than friendship or they want to sleep with me.  I say "that's cool, but just so you know I'm just looking to be friends right now.  If you're looking for anything else, you should probably just stop talking to me, no harm no foul."  I've had a few people say that this is impossible and this is a DATING site.  My response to that is...really?  Because I have friends who have made great friends from dating sites.  Also I think that's a manipulative way of getting in my pants, just sayin. 

Wondering what your thoughts are on this?  Are dating sites JUST for dating (meaning a physical relationship, one night stand, or finding a long-term SO)?  Or do you think that having an account on a site and saying I only want friends is hypocritical?  Any other thoughts accepted, I'm fascinated by the idea of internet ANYTHING.


DC: Have you ever been friends with someone you REALLY wanted to sleep with, and didn't for any length of time?  Why?  Did it ever eventually go farther than friendship?  How so or why not?

*Edited for spelling errors
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: so_plush
2013-01-15 05:43 pm (UTC)

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I don't think it's hypocritical, but I think it's strange that you're going on a site called okcupid to find friends. Not only that, but the other people on the site are there for love-related reasons, so you have a conflict of interest from the start. And I would argue that these people aren't all trying to "get in your pants". They see you're on an online dating site and therefore are interested in dating you. I agree that people find friends on these site all the time, but it's through their search for a romantic relationship.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 05:49 pm (UTC)

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That makes sense. I have had people have drawn out conversations with me, only to find out they were in fact just trying to get in my pants, for the record. So it is a thing that happens.

I will eventually be interested in dating and I want to already have a firm grasp of how these sites work. So that's why I'm on one. Maybe I should say that in my profile, or something like it, idk.
[User Picture]From: so_plush
2013-01-15 05:53 pm (UTC)

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Yeah, just lay it out in your profile to weed out anyone you don't want. I think the "just friends" option leads people to believe that you're looking to find people to hang out with before it turning into a relationship as opposed to completely platonic friends, so you need to be more blunt in your write up.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:06 pm (UTC)

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I've stated it like 3 times in my profile, but I'm gonna go back and see if I can get even clearer with it just to make sure I've said it every way I can so it's clear. Thanks!
[User Picture]From: 67words
2013-01-15 05:47 pm (UTC)

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okcupid has an option to say you are just looking for friends, so i think the people who say the site isn't for finding friends are sorely mislead. i mean, yeah it's a dating site, but it's not completely out of the realm of possibility to use it for finding friends.

i'd suggest signing up for meetup.com and attend some activities where you'll meet people with common interests.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 05:50 pm (UTC)

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I'll try that, thanks!
[User Picture]From: chaostrophy
2013-01-15 05:48 pm (UTC)

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Yes, it is absolutely possible to make friends on dating sites. I had a girl message me a few months back to be friends
While I'd knows my SO irl for quite some time, we reconnected over a dating site.
Those people are probably asses you wouldn't want to waste your time with anyway.

No, I have not.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 05:50 pm (UTC)

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Thanks for validating me. This is what I thought too.
[User Picture]From: smartaleckstef
2013-01-15 05:59 pm (UTC)

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Like a lot of people have said I think that you can't really join OK Cupid or the like without expecting people will have more than friends motives even if you say you strictly want to be just friends.

I don't think it's hypocritical perse, just unrealistic. Is it that you want opposite sex friends? I want opposite sex friends but I don't know I just feel it would be too confusing that way and ultimately if I'm honest with myself, I want opposite sex friends potentially so I could meet a boyfriend that way (as a friend first). Otherwise on the friends front, I'm covered.

Nope I have not. I don't have a lot of guy friends.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:04 pm (UTC)

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I would eventually want to start dating. I do think it would be confusing if I weren't single and didn't have that in mind eventually. Already I can admit that it is a little confusing, but I'm ok with that and in fact if I can find people who get it then we can be great friends.

I'm bi also and don't have many gay or bi friends of my gender. I know many gay men who have found good friends from internet dating, because they're comfortable with the ambiguity. I would like to be as comfortable. I'm also really good at stating what I am about and having strong boundaries, if that makes sense.
[User Picture]From: usnbfs
2013-01-15 06:12 pm (UTC)

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I'm on several dating sites, most are somehow music related, and a lot of people use them to make friends. They're primarily dating sites, but they all give you the option to say you're looking for friends.
I've made some great friends that way.

If you're only interested in friendships you should put that in your profile. A lot people will ignore that, just like everything else you write, but at least that makes it easy to weed them out.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:14 pm (UTC)

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Pretty much what I thought. But I can see both sides of it. I guess I just want a frame of reference for responding to that sort of thing (when I'm not just deleting the message outright), for people who genuinely don't understand.
[User Picture]From: usnbfs
2013-01-15 06:35 pm (UTC)

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I'm pretty sure that in most cases it's not a lack of understanding but not wanting to accept it. I kind of like it when people ignore very obvious and basic stuff in my profile. At least I know right away that I don't need to waste any time on them. Much better than talking for weeks and meeting and then finding out they really don't care about what you are looking for.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:45 pm (UTC)

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Yup. Exactly.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:47 pm (UTC)

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...there have been some people who are like "you're cool, but I don't understand how you can just find friends" and if the conversation otherwise is stimulating, I will explain it. At the end of that explanation, they can then choose to stop talking to me or continue to other subjects.
[User Picture]From: bangogirl
2013-01-15 06:17 pm (UTC)

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I thought OKC had an option you could select that even says "I'm just looking for friends"?
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:45 pm (UTC)

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People still contact me with the intent of sleeping with me.

"hey sexy" as an intro line doesn't exactly leave room for a real conversation.
[User Picture]From: heyfashion
2013-01-15 09:50 pm (UTC)

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yeah I think "i'm just looking for friends", to many people just reads as "looking for fuck buddies"
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:46 pm (UTC)

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I could see that. That's why I'm going through to make it really clear that's not what I'm looking for. We'll see.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2013-01-15 06:20 pm (UTC)

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I think that while they do have the classifier of "friendship" as what youre looking for, it is weird to go on a widely accepted dating/sleeping with website looking for "just friends"--to me, if i were looking to chat with you, id take it as "i dont want to sleep or date you, so im going to say 'all im looking for is friends'".
[User Picture]From: usnbfs
2013-01-15 06:37 pm (UTC)

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If people don't put it in their profile but only mention it in private chats, I would think the same thing. And in general I'm all in favour of using dating sites tofind friends.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2013-01-15 06:39 pm (UTC)

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Well yes i agree with you. If OP publicly put it in their profile "NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING BUT FRIENDSHIP" then id be kinda surprised people are still trying to contact them to sleep with them :S If they just inferred it "looking for some cool people to hang with" id honestly think they are still interested in romance, but thats just me!
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:52 pm (UTC)

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People don't always read profiles. I'm super blunt, and I just went back to make it even more blunt, that I'm not looking for sex and I'm not looking for dating. For me, I don't think I should have to say "for now" because I don't want to start a conversation with the expectation that something MIGHT happen at any time. It's easier for me to say "JUST FRIENDS NOTHING ELSE" and after the friendship is established then a conversation can happen where dating is on the table. So in that way, I am still looking for the possibility of someone I would want to date, but after I know them for a while.

I'm glad you commented, bad_lcuk, because that kind of sincere "that doesn't make sense to me" is what I want to be able to answer to better. Make sense? Did what I said clear it up?
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2013-01-15 10:14 pm (UTC)

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Yep it does clear things up. Without having seen your profile you could be absolutely and totally blunt and id say you are a lot more validated. I just meant maybe it wasnt so my first impression would be theyre looking for someone, just not for me!. I definitely agree that if you say no (even if you are looking to bang someone) that it generally should mean no.

I guess what i see a lot here is "I dont want the expectation of X" and i think thats validated, except that it sounds like everyone else on OKCupid does have that expectation. So part of its that people ARE going to apparently approach you despite everything you say on your profile, and thats part of trying to make friends on that site. Youre validated, but I wouldnt be surprised if it happens like 30x more in the next two weeks, hahah.

[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:45 pm (UTC)

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Yeah. That's ok. I don't blame them, I think most people just want to get laid and/or find someone to be with, and that's fine. I will just not respond or state it again, and that doesn't bother me. Otherwise the site is everything I could want it to be.
[User Picture]From: kikkyo
2013-01-15 06:22 pm (UTC)

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I don't think it would be unheard of to use a dating site to make friends. You'd just have to keep in mind that some of the people who contact you will be looking for more, and you'll have to be straightforward with them.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 06:52 pm (UTC)

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Absolutely.
[User Picture]From: ameliorate
2013-01-15 07:24 pm (UTC)

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While I think it's fine to use them as a friend maker, after all OkCupid has the "looking for Friends" option, I can't say I'd be even a little surprised that people pressure you for more. Yes, though, very manipulative line. It's along the lines of, "Well you lead me on," guilt trip.


On another note, can you expand on this: I'm still getting people who want to talk to me for along periods of time


[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 07:41 pm (UTC)

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I think that's a spelling error because I get excited when I type and don't pay attention.

I'm still getting people who want to talk for long periods of time, and somewhere in there they start to ask what I'm looking for in a boyfriend, etc. I always feel sort of had once it gets there...I mean I'm NOT looking, that's the point. I'm looking to make friends. I don't even want to have the boyfriend conversation...and I feel like thats another way to steer it in that direction.

I totally feel like it's along the lines of "you shouldn't dress that way, you're asking for it" and it pisses me off. Because I happen to be on a dating site? Like, you can't find someone else to try and fuck, who wants to, or find someone else to be in a relationship with who is clearly looking? Are your prospects that bad that you have to try and get it from someone who doesn't want a relationship or sex? And you have to sort of have a conversation first and then try and make it a periphery thing? Weird.

That is what has happened. I'm trying to get a little perspective on it.

Edited for spelling! See my point?

Edited at 2013-01-15 07:43 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]From: ameliorate
2013-01-15 07:51 pm (UTC)

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Oh -nods- yeah, that's got to be a little annoying, I suppose as obnoxious as it might be, starting with, "I just wanna be clear I'm not looking for boyfriend" may be your only option. There are people out there looking for friends only/activity partners. I know, I used to be one of them.

Are you gender specific in your quest or are guys just generally who message you?
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 09:27 pm (UTC)

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Guys are just generally who message me. Although I just started chatting with a lovely bi girl in my area and we're going to the flea market soon.
[User Picture]From: ameliorate
2013-01-15 09:42 pm (UTC)

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Ah, -nods- Guys. XD


Oh I'd die of happiness if I had a chick friend to go to the flea market with. =] I'm jealous.
[User Picture]From: usnbfs
2013-01-16 11:30 am (UTC)

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I miss the large summer flea markets here, in winter they all withdraw into halls (and shrink a lot) or go on break.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:30 pm (UTC)

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I haven't been in a while so it's better than nothing!
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:29 pm (UTC)

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If you lived in southern Mi I would in TOTALLY invite you.
[User Picture]From: uberash
2013-01-15 07:26 pm (UTC)

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Most online dating sites are meat markets....sign up for a class or activity, maybe a sports league
[User Picture]From: melontree
2013-01-15 07:44 pm (UTC)

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No, but I once made a friend at speed dating... she was another single girl who was bored on valentine's day, lol.

If you want friends only, just make sure your profile says it, then no one can complain they didn't know.

I once wanted to sleep with a friend from high school (mostly cause I had a huge crush on him once and was just curious), and I did once when I was really stoned. It was a horrible idea. I think back on it and cringe and wish I hadn't. Another time a friend and I just decided to have sex for fun, but he turned into a giant ass and thought I wanted to be his girlfriend suddenly. wtf? I had zero desire to be anything more than friends, I asked him to hang out ONCE like a week later and he said I was being clingy. Then I realized why girls hate him so much :P. I still think he is a giant douchebag.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:47 pm (UTC)

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Thanks for the story. I'm curious about that sort of thing, and generally I think it's better NOT to than to do it.
[User Picture]From: vodkabeforenoon
2013-01-15 08:23 pm (UTC)

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I always thought the 'making friends' tab just meant fuck buddies. So I don't know.

I have been friends with people who wanted to fuck me. It really sucks for them since they get to hear me pine over people I like and it is not them.

Personally I just get involved in a hobby or something I like that involves other people to make friends. It seems less stressful then jumping in saying "I NEED A FRIEND." I have made acquaintances with people at the yoga hut just visiting on a regular bases and studying at this one coffee shop I have began to have regular conversations with other regulars. And I am in no way the chatty type, I am very reserved so if I can make that much of an impact I think others have hope.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-15 09:30 pm (UTC)

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I get what you're saying, but the online dating community does not seem desperate to me. I think for some people it is, and I think that's partially what I want to weed out. I already have lots of friends, I just have a lot of energy and not a lot of time over a long duration to devote to a new hobby. Hanging out here and there with new people? Yeah I've got time for that. Also I AM desperately nosey and I love to read about how other people put themselves out there in a public forum.

I dig yoga too...I just do it alone. I would like to join a group one day though, sounds like fun.
[User Picture]From: usnbfs
2013-01-16 11:20 am (UTC)

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Most sites I know have an option for "only sex", "affair" and similar stuff in addition to "friends". Some sites even have options like "party friends".
[User Picture]From: due27south
2013-01-15 11:31 pm (UTC)

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Dating sites are for dating, imo. If you want friends there are sites out there I'm sure, or just facebooking.
[User Picture]From: usnbfs
2013-01-16 11:17 am (UTC)

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I still don't understand how you're supposed to meet new people through facebook.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:42 pm (UTC)

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This.
[User Picture]From: hereisfar
2013-01-16 12:57 am (UTC)

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I have made two really interesting friends through OkCupid, both whom I adore deeply and am so glad I met. That being said, all of us were on that website initially looking for something romantic but became friends instead. While there is a "looking for friends" option and people CAN make friends on that website, a majority of people on OkCupid are looking for a romantic or physical partner, so you cannot blame them for attempting to start a romantic connection on a dating website.

If you are only looking for friends, select the "friend's only" option and state in large letters at the top of your profile you are only looking for non-romantic friends at this time.
[User Picture]From: sluice
2013-01-16 05:43 pm (UTC)

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That's a good idea. I wouldn't rule out romance down the road, but right now, no. So thanks for the suggestion!
[User Picture]From: scatterbeetle
2013-01-16 02:31 am (UTC)

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I think it's entirely appropriate to join 'dating' sites to meet friends. As long as it's stated clearly in your profile, I don't see the problem.