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non-committed long distance relationship [Nov. 24th, 2012|12:46 am]
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[xxflyingsoulxx]
I was dating someone for 2 months recently from Australia and I just moved back to America for a year at least to take a commited job. It was the best relationship i've ever been in and we were crazy about each other, but because of the distance, we decided not to stay committed/monogomous and just keep in touch and see how it goes (in a year we'll both be free from jobs and school and so we viewed it as light at the end of the tunnel). I want to talk to him way more than we are doing, even though we've skyped 2 times. I send him little fb messages when he's online sometimes and he doesn't reply to them, but I guess he just doesn't see them or figures he'll reply later. Because it's night time for me when it's the afternoon for him, I'm always the one who has the urge to Skype him. I want him to talk more, but this may be because I just left him 4 days ago and still really miss him/it hurts. 

Should I have a serious conversation about it or just wait until the pain gets better and ease up? My life will get busier in a few days when I start my job, so I wont feel the need to talk to him as much, but right now, I feel a little crazy.

Has anyone had this complicated, non-committed long distance sort of relationship thing? How did you handle it?
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: lisasimpsonfan
2012-11-24 05:55 am (UTC)

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You need to back off or you are going to smother him and maybe sour the chance of a relationship. You have talked to him twice and left him multiple facebook messages? That is a lot for four days. I know you are missing him but you need to give him so space too. So give him a few days and then contact him.
[User Picture]From: gunshotbeauty
2012-11-24 05:57 am (UTC)

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this. you do need to have a talk sooner than later but it's too much too soon. when he gets back to you then discuss your future
[User Picture]From: arielcharming
2012-11-24 06:00 am (UTC)

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+1

Although, I don't know if it's really a lot, talked twice, multiple FB messages. You know, depending on how your relationship was before it's hard for me to judge/say. IDK

That said, either way, you are treading in dangerous water. I wouldn't have a convo about it, at all, unless something major comes up. Otherwise, just be open to being long distance friends and vent to other people. :)

Edited at 2012-11-24 06:01 am (UTC)
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-24 06:09 am (UTC)

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We spent 8 out of my last 10 days together so it was just a big jump from spending all the time in the world together to nothing. And the fb messages were just like 3 or 4 over the last few days when we've been online, just like one sentences saying something about my day or a hi. nothing crazy. It doesn't feel like a lot to me, but that's why I wanted to double check :)
[User Picture]From: oh_honestly_
2012-11-24 06:20 am (UTC)

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I think you're jumping the gun. It may seem like a long time, but relax; it's only been four days. Let him breathe. Give him time to miss you. Force yourself to do other things. It will get better.
[User Picture]From: phenomenal
2012-11-24 06:45 am (UTC)

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I think you definitely should cease so much contact. Don't cease all contact, but 2 skype conversations and the facebook messages is probably too much for 4 days for a non-committed relationship. You don't want to scare him away or come off as over bearing.
[User Picture]From: sarahsumbrella
2012-11-24 07:13 am (UTC)

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Right there with you mate. English girl, American boy, fell in love after a 10-week summer working together in America. Girl went back to England, boy went back to college to finish his degree. We were so in love, had no idea how or what to do to try and make it work.
Fast forward to present day, we've been married for 7 years, have a baby girl and are still in love. It can work if both of you are willing to put in the time, effort and money. Do you know when you are going to see him again? Is he cool with the idea of you dating and/or sleeping with another person, because that sounds like a recipe for how to kill a relationship in its tracks. If you want to try being monogamous phone sex can be a great way of getting your sexual needs taken care of together while apart. You can also make videos for him, send nude pics, horny emails etc (*insert obligatory disclaimer about being careful with such types of material here*) I would also send him cards, hand written love letter, care packages etc, every little milestone of being together, every 6 months, every valentines, every birthday was made a big deal of. Also, familiarize yourself with how men deal with missing someone. By this I mean, women miss someone immediately, while men take longer. I can't tell you the amount of times I spent on a bus/train/plane after having said goodbye in floods of tears being stared at by people. He of course was always poker faced. Then as soon as 3 weeks of being apart had gone by, like clockwork, he was out of his mind with missing me, wanted to call me, wanted to be with me etc. It's kind like this macro :

One thing you need to do, and I cannot stress this enough, is find something to do outside of work that you really enjoy. Be busy. Do not be sat at home waiting for his call. Go out and let him know you're going out, its way more attractive if you're living a full and rich life than it is if you're in your PJs eating french fries waiting for him to get back to you. For me, I wanted to get into better shape so I hit the gym in a big way. At first it was because I just was bored at home watching TV on my own, but then I began to make friends with people, and it became a social outlet as well as a way to deal with the stress of being in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I would miss him so much it felt like a physical ache, the gym was a great way for me to cope with that and to deal with feeling lonely and worried that it all may not work out. Bonus was I got into the best shape of my life too, so the next time he was me he was blown away.
Some people can't make a relationship work when they live in different states, let alone different countries, but being in love with someone is a powerful thing and if you can work through being apart and remain together, you've got a great foundation for a solid relationship.
And ditch the seeing other people idea, unless you want to be single in 6 months or are both poly-amorous types, it isn't going to work.
Good luck!

Edited at 2012-11-24 07:24 am (UTC)
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-24 07:40 am (UTC)

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This was such a helpful post and gives me a lot of hope for the future. I mean, we basically agreed to not be in a relationship at all, at least to see how we felt/how much we'll miss each other because of the burden it may put on us. i was in a long distance r/ship once and we were both Americans, but it was still a huge time commitment and stressor. Neither of us are poly-amorous types; he doesn't seem to have casual sex, and I have no desire to sleep around currently.
The plus side to this is he has always found "chasing a romance around the world" a really romantic idea, and even mentioned it on the first date, and he actually seems kind of excited that he has this girl in America, as many of his friends are doing the same thing.
So would you suggest trying to remain monogomous then and plan on seeing each other or just keep going with the flow and feelings like we're currently doing? We kept it open because we had no idea what we would do next.. I need to go to grad school/get a career in order, and he wants to travel the world after he graduates in a year so he is saving up money. (I want to travel with him too, but it also depends on my funds and family.)
Thanks for such great advice though =) So happy to hear it worked out for you. I'm curious--who lives where and how did you work out your two different lives to be together?

Edited at 2012-11-24 07:41 am (UTC)
[User Picture]From: jezemel
2012-11-24 07:13 am (UTC)

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I don't think it sounds like you're contacting him too much, but I wouldn't increase it. Not because I think you're going to smother him or something, but because it could potentially hurt him once you get busy and don't have time to communicate as much. Like he'll wonder why you dropped off. I'm sorry--that sounds like it really sucks :( But a year will go by fast. Just focus on yourself and what you want to do.
[User Picture]From: melontree
2012-11-24 02:11 pm (UTC)

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I guess I would just say that you can't force things. If he is not responding, you can't keep at him or it won't help. If I understand correctly, he is still in the same place whereas you have moved halfway across the world, which can explain why he seems fine and you are anxious about things. Your life is a lot harder right now, but it will get better. Don't funnel all that energy into him, especially if you guys have agreed not to commit for now.

Less than a year into my relationship with my now-husband, he decided to volunteer to go to Afghanistan. (He is a civilian, so no fighting). He tried to tell me that we could take those 6 months off because he didn't want to hold me back. I was devastated because I love him, and I thought he was pushing me away. I told him I did not want to date anyone else and I would wait for him, I wanted to support his career. It was really hard, but we skyped once a week and emailed almost every day. In the end it actually brought us closer together. We have been married now 1.5 years and we moved to Italy together shortly after getting married.

I think my point is, when it's right it's right, when it's not it's not. Don't push him, if you're meant to work out you will. If you feel unfulfilled, it might not work out. But right now everything is changing for you, so part of your emotion is probably about that. I'm the same way, when things change I put the anxiety/emotion/etc into my relationship. It sounds like you have exciting things happening for you right now, so try to stay positive and see how it works out with this guy.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-24 05:57 pm (UTC)

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Have a discussion with yourself first. What do you want out of this now that its happened? Its easy to think reasonably and 'logically' when you are moving, but obviously your feelings are different then you expected.

Once you have figured out what ideally, you want, then tell him (because if he never knows, he may never be able to give you a reply). Then, have a short, non serious chat about how you realize now with the distance that you would like to do X. Then, see how he feels.

After that, you need to make a decision. Either pursue your feelings or start pulling yourself away. You being torn up over him wont do you any favors and only cause stress :(
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-24 06:47 pm (UTC)

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It's hard for me to decide right now, because I just got home 4 days ago and a lot has happened and the transition is stressful anyway, aiding in my desire to go back to Aussie. In three days, I'm moving to a new job, so I wanted to wait until then to figure it out, but yeah, so far it's been really stressful and sad because I want to be with him, but he's been MIA online (he's probably busy...) Should I just wait until I settle or just talk now? I was going to casually talk about it right before i left for my job in 3 days, since that may be the last time I'll be completely free for awhile.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-24 07:45 pm (UTC)

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Oh jeeze, thats a lot!!! Give yourself a time limit, maybe say 2-4 weeks, to just get back in line with your life. Dont pressure the guy, and maybe be a bit more aloof and just focus on yourself and your stress for a while. It may just be the post-trip jitters that are making you miss him, let yourself get back in to 'your' life then i would move forward with having a discussion with yourself (because in my opinion, its a bit too early to see how you "really feel" but god knows people who have had long successful marriages have married after 2 months so REALLY , at the end of the day do what you want, this is just my response!).

If you do decide to talk to him, maybe what would be best is setting up a 'date night' or a night when you know you will both be around and you can preschedule it with him to make sure hes there?
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-24 08:09 pm (UTC)

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Thanks! :) Yeah I was going to schedule a Skype right before I left and it wouldn't be a big conversation, but it would just include like, "hey so how are you feeling about this? I really miss you right now but I'm also in a huge transition so..." you know, just real and not trying to decide the future, just maybe a bit more open than the last 2 conversations have been, which were pretty light and easy..
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-24 10:21 pm (UTC)

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Yeah, I think that sounds very light and friendly (as opposed to the "chat" i was thinking about) so i definitely would say go for it, it doesnt reek of pressure and i dont think itll "chase him away". Plus, itll give him the opportunity to let you know whats going on in his life (because for all you know he may be avoiding you because he feels like shit that he cant keep you in a relationship with him, or his work got busy, or who knows!).

tqc_updates if you can!
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-26 02:56 am (UTC)

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So update! yeah we Skyped last night, and it felt great. I just asked how he was feeling and he said it hadn't sunk in for him yet (it still felt like any minute I would bike on over to his house) but he really missed me. I'm trying to figure out what to do, or at least get an idea. I definitely love him and I want to try to visit him once over the year for vacation time, but if I'm going to graduate school or want to start working more consistently, it's so much easier in the US and there are some schools i'm interested in here, and not too many in Aussie. It just feels so impossible and I don't know what I SHOULD do. I feel like I need to go after my career and try to do something meaningful/start a profession, but right now it's hard to think like that when I'm just downright crazy about this bloke.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-26 04:04 am (UTC)

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Yourself first. I love the idea of love, but pick yourself first! Im glad your chat went well. Has he considered/you considered maybe...him coming out for a while?
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-26 02:51 pm (UTC)

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We both want him to come out here, and he would if he could but he has one year left of uni and no money to do so currently (he had to cancel a trip to Japan just recently because he couldn't afford it and a trip to the US would be even more expensive.) He may in a year but within the year is very unlikely. I also don't know when I could visit him this year because he is in school so if I visisted him for a couple weeks, he'd be really busy and the visit wouldn't be that fulfilling. So I would either have to wait until July when his mid-semester break is (and even that isn't for sure) or a whole year. A whole year just seems so long; it seems impossible that we'll still hold strong feelings for each other in that time (or it will get too painful for us to keep in touch so frequently, esp for me because I feel like I'll have a harder time with this, having dealt with loss in my family about a year and half ago. I struggle with this kind of thing more than someone who maybe hasn't dealt with death of a close family member...) Anyway, that's a lot of info about myself but I've had coffee and not enough sleep so excuse the rambling :p
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-28 01:32 am (UTC)

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Hey, if you're still there, i have a question lol.
So I just recently sent him a letter-like message on fb because i was feeling sentimental and wanted to tell him a couple things. I didn't specifically ask a question but you know, it seems clear that he would reply because I said things like I love you, hope you are doing well, etc.
He doesn't seem to be replying to this, and doesn't really reply to messages in general. However, when I skype him he's super excited to see me, so it's not like I'm self doubting his affections; he just is terrible at responding to things.
Since we're not in a relationship, I don't feel like i have the "right" to bring it up, but it bothers/worries me and makes me feel smothering because I feel like i'm always the one intiating skype convos and I'll be the one in a few days to say hey even though I just left this message. he never seems to mind though because he's just this quiet and casual guy who communicates better in person.
Should I bring it up, let it slide, keep initiating things, or pull back until he initaties something?
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-28 03:42 am (UTC)

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Hello, yes i am here! Haha

Well, you dont have to be in a 'relationship' to simply ask the guy hey, why havent you got back to my FB message? I think thats totally ok. He may be like me and kind of absent minded with that stuff, give him some space to give you an answer and reply as he'd like. He may feel a bit pressured to make a "label" for what you guys have. Youre right now to smother him, but I think its completely ok to want clarification as to your friendship (because i mean, i assume you have a great friendship here!). He needs to be a responsible friend and such it up and address the message! Its ok if he needs to take some time, but he needs to be a responsible guy. I mean, as long as he seems happy to be skyping with you, he may be simply the guy whos wandering off all the time and forgetful, but still genuinely wants to be there and loves talking with you. I think its totally ok to ask :) Whats smothering is demanding to be in a relationship, telling him what he needs to do for you, or making ultimatums!
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-28 04:10 am (UTC)

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Haha okay cool, yeah I don't want to be in a relationship w/ him because i know he's too far away for it to be satisfying/having that pressure to be monogomous will be very frustrating haha. But cool thanks for the awesome advice :) He just takes a lot of time to think things through I think because he likes to mean what he says (apparently that's a quality of an enginner, which he is..) I try to be all "beyond labels" or whatever for this, but it is kind of confusing and stressful for me so I guess eventually it'll be nice to have the talk, because yeah we were really good friends as well and even if we never are able to be together again as partners, I would really love to be a long-term friend to him. :)

Thanks for talking to me! :)
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-28 02:42 pm (UTC)

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Well you know, theres still plenty of love in good friendships. Id address that first!

Good luck!
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-29 06:20 am (UTC)

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Thanks! So how long would you give him before I maybe try to message him back (assuming he doesn't...) I was thinking like 2 days, especially because that night Ill be all alone in a hotel and will definitely be feeling a little lonely haha.
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-29 03:59 pm (UTC)

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It depends on his lifestyle really. If that was my SO it may take him a week because hes busy and absentminded. If its typical for him to get back to you in 2-3 days then id give him that amount :)
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-11-29 06:24 pm (UTC)

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He's on summer break so he's definitely not busy enough, although he may be absentminded. But still...he was online last night so I chatted him and he said that he was out but would be back in an hour, and I told him I was going to sleep and asked if we would Skype soon and if he got my message. He never replied to either my message or this question. It's starting to realy bother me because even one of my best friends who is terrible at responding to texts and things would reply to things like that. I guess I just need to know the score, you know, like where things are at, because the less time we talk, the less I feel like he cares and the further we'll pull away. So I don't really know what to do...
[User Picture]From: bad_lcuk
2012-11-29 07:15 pm (UTC)

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You know what , if its really important to you, then fuck whatever waiting. Just ask him directly, bluntly, the next time youre chatting (so its not like hes already leaving). That is totally ok to do, and this is obviously really bothering you :( Who gives a shit if he feels pressured, its an email.
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-12-21 10:07 pm (UTC)

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Heya. It's been awhile but i recently remembered this thread. Thanks for helping me with this advice btw :) not like it's probably a big deal to you, but we had a really nice convo after this all got figured out, and for the past few weeks, we'd talk 2-3 times a week and it was great. Now it's back to square one, even though I'm feeling much saner and happier with my life in the states. But we had an awkward skype convo the other day where he was hungover and i had had a glass of wine so was a little buzzed and the reception was terrible and it led me to feeling really strange and kind of shitty afterwards. The seperation of the Skype screen was really evident, whereas before after we'd talk I felt warmer and more connected after we were done even with the computer screen. When he's been online the past couple days, i've chatted him, hoping just to talk like right now when i have nothing to do at work. Well, thanks to facebook's nifty new technology, it tells you that he has "seen" the message yet does nothing to respond. Dude, I'd be pissed if my friends ignored me this much. I'm giving it a week (right after christmas) to settle and see if I still feel so shitty about it. Any advice on your end? thanks again
[User Picture]From: xxflyingsoulxx
2012-12-21 10:47 pm (UTC)

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Ack realized about tqc_updates. Anyway i posted this instead: http://tqc-updates.livejournal.com/486326.html
[User Picture]From: verygwen
2012-11-24 07:09 pm (UTC)

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You should have a conversation about it.