||[Nov. 12th, 2012|10:49 pm]
How do you pick up the pieces again when you're completely broken?|
About a month ago, on October 9th, my then-boyfriend broke up with me. We were together for three months. I lost my virginity to him. Long story short, I am very guarded with my heart and I don't let anybody have it. But I couldn't help myself and he took it easily. I know myself enough at this point to know when I love someone, and boy do I still love that man.
I was okay for a while, doing pretty well in fact. Then yesterday was bad again. Then today I feel like he just broke up with me yesterday. I'm back at the beginning again. And the biggest problem is I've realized that he was my soulmate. I wasn't his by any means, but he was definitely mine. I still can never find anything wrong with him other than the fact that he can't ever love me back. All the little quirks and things that I could see being annoying to some people were interesting and endearing to me and made me love him even more every day. He just never felt that way about me. I have never used the word soulmate unironically, because I never believed in that sort of thing. But he was, nay, is my soulmate, and I am not his. I will never find someone that so perfectly fits every description of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I'm left with a big, aching emptiness.
It's all downhill from here, guys. There's no back up after knowing him. He was my perfection. But I wasn't good enough. What's the point in going on when the best part of your life is over forever? I want to stop dwelling on him for myself and for him, because it bothers him and I can honestly say all I want in my life is for him to be happy, and he can't be happy knowing I still have feelings for him because it makes him uncomfortable. But I don't want to sever myself from his life. I can't do that. I still need him as my friend.
What do I do, TQC? What do I do?
1. How old are you that a 3-month relationship is the END ALL BE ALL of relationships?
2. I'm sure you will find another soulmate if you stop obsessing over the guy who dumped you. How is he so special if he doesn't even want you? Psssh, so over that :9
Agreed. He can't be that perfect if he doesn't want you back.
I'll be 21 in a couple months. I have been so guarded all my life that very few people have been allowed anywhere near my heart. Those who have, I have thought I loved. There have been a few people in my life I thought I was in love with. Really, really thought it. But this was different right from the very beginning. It was beyond anything I had ever felt. I wanted everything for him and I still do, as if nothing else matters.
I've been fucking around with someone else and it's just not the same. I tried to like him but I can't help comparing everything, because my ex was literally someone taken from my wildest dreams and given physical form. It's still so hard for me to process exactly how he fit everything I was looking for.
And for the record, I've always been the type that has been cynical of love in general, especially people who say they are in love so soon as three months. I'm not the type to admit love unless it's been years. This was completely different.
Yeah you definitely need more time and to be less guarded in life. Go out and enjoy other people (just don't compare them to some ideal man who didn't want you).
I'm cynical of love, I don't think I've ever BEEN in love, and yet one weekend, years ago, I met a guy, and felt things I have never felt before or since. He was with someone else, so I let it go, and life went on. I don't know if that was love or what, and frankly, I can't be bothered to obsess over it--it was what it was, and I learned a little more about myself, and moved on with my life, and life is good. People come and go from us for a reason, and they make us know more of ourselves.
ETA: Also, 'all your life' is not ALL YOUR LIFE. You've only just begun the phase of your life which might perhaps reasonably include what are known as adult relationships. People don't 'love' the same way at ages six, sixteen, and sixty. I'm closing in on 26, and I'm barely self-aware enough to know that I have a LOT left to learn about myself. To claim utter personal clarity and the wisdom of a lifetime at not-yet-21 is a lie, especially to yourself. Try talking to some 60+ ladies. They'll steer you right. They know what's going on--they have lived what you're living, and so much more; and you will live that, too, in time.
Edited at 2012-11-13 03:06 pm (UTC)
Holy crap, I think I just found a new blog to read.
Been here not to long ago.
Honestly, you can take some time to grieve, but after it, breathe for a while. Give one another some space, if you really want this friendship (and if he wants it too), then you need to be able to get yourself back down to a friendship level, where the feelings aren't so overwhelming, they fuck it up. And if those feelings are too much for either of you, then maybe it's good to be away from one another.
I know this is probably really hard to hear, it was for me too and I didn't believe it. But, being honestly away from my ex helped so much, and let me breathe, take care of myself and put our entire relationship into perspective. He really felt like the end all be all for me.
Soul mate also does not have to mean they are are your romantic heart person. A soul mate it someone your soul is forever tied to, but that can be anyone, a friend, family member, someone who has an intense and carved meaning into your heart. It doesn't mean your life is downhill, it means he holds a special place, and even moving on, he may still hold it.
Just be gentle with yourself, it will be okay.
Aww, I'm sorry he broke your heart, but don't let it define you. Take one day at a time and realize that some days will be back steps. You were only together three months, so trust me when I say you'll live to love again. Take care of yourself and try to stay busy; see friends you might have brushed off during that brief three month span, make some new friends, try a new hobby. Don't think you have to get back into the dating pool until you think you're ready, and don't let anyone else dictate when that is.
Also, there are 6+ BILLION people in the world, he's not the only one for you. Doubly so since he didn't seem to think you were the one for him. You'll find a guy who you dig who actually cares for you back. THEN you have a keeper.
Last bit of advice. NEVER live your life for anyone else. You say all you want from YOUR life is for HIM to be happy? Honey, no one should be that responsible for another human soul. Make YOURSELF happy. It's the best way to live and also the best revenge you could have on him.
From your profile, it looks like you're probably around 20. Chances are, with around 60+ years ahead of you in life, he's not your one and only. He wasn't the best part of your life. Even if he was your soulmate, it's unlikely that you won't meet someone else during the course of those 60+ years that you would consider to be your soulmate as well.
Spend time distracting yourself and involving yourself in hobbies and your life - if you don't have those things, this is a great time to work on cultivating them. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. If you still feel exactly this way in another 5 months or so, consider visiting a therapist.
I can see myself needing a therapist especially because winter is coming and I have seasonal affective disorder, which will only complicate this issue. The issue is that at my college the therapists in the counseling center really didn't help me last time (in the winter of my freshman year I really got depressed and wanted to drop out of school and go home). They just told me how irrational and nonsensical I was being, which only served to make me feel worse.
There are probably other therapists that you could see, either through your health insurance, a low-cost clinic, or out of pocket. If you haven't switched your lightbulbs already, you should consider using full spectrum lightbulbs, they help with SAD quite a bit I've found.
I would actually suggest reporting your experience with the school therapists to whatever school office is in charge of health services. This is not the correct way for therapists to treat their clients ever.
I don't want to be mean but what is wrong with you to think that your perfect man is one that will in your own words NEVER LOVE YOU BACK? You (and everyone on the planet) deserve so much more than that. You deserve to be with someone who feels lucky to be with you. Someone who thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. QUIT SELLING YOURSELF SHORT. Someone who will never love you is NOT your soulmate. You are in LUST with someone. It happens to most of us but you will get over it. Every time you think about all that bullshit in your post remind yourself that your perfect man would LOVE YOU BACK.
It's not lust, though. I've been there plenty of times. Love doesn't have to go both ways and I definitely do love him. I've talked to a bunch of friends about this and a few have said that the way I feel about him is some of the most legitimate love they've ever seen. That just makes me feel so much worse because I feel like it would be easier to get past if it wasn't so real.
A-freaking-men. I'd hope that "perfection" for the OP would also involve "someone who loves me and wants to be with me in return." If it doesn't, the OP might be wise to redefine.
The issue for me is all the things he used to say, but changed his mind about the longer he knew me for. And all the reasons he gave me for why he couldn't develop feelings for me were things that I have always disliked about myself and had been trying to change long before he came into the picture... sigh.
So he's someone who doesn't love you - it happens. People change their feelings all the time or maybe he was just lying to you from the get go. Who knows. Time and distraction will help!
The issue is that if he loved me he would be the person I would spend my life with--hands down. It seems an impossible task to find someone exactly like him that will love me back.
Of course it seems impossible. The relationship ended a month about and you're 20. Everything seems impossible when you're in that situation.
That doesn't mean it is! That just means you need time to grieve the relationship and heal, and then get on with your life. You've got a lot of life ahead of you to find someone worth spending your life with.
You don't need to find someone exactly like him. You will find someone else with other traits and characteristics that are amazing and wonderful, and they will come in the package of someone who loves you, too.
I don't mean to downplay your feelings, and I'm sure they are awful and you feel like shit right now... But 3 months is not long enough to know you'd spend your life with someone. Especially not at age 21. You have so much learning about yourself yet to do - and trust me, at 21 I thought I had myself figured out and knew all there was to know about myself, but I was wrong.
The fact of the matter is that someone who can't fall in love with you because of the person you are is not your soulmate. A soulmate goes both ways. I have things I want to improve about myself - and things that drive my husband mad, I'm sure. But he loves me, not despite my failings but because of the whole picture, including the fact that I work at improving myself. One day you're going to meet someone and have that actual click, and the idea that this guy could have been your soulmate, when he didn't even realise how awesome you are - that idea is going to be laughable and a little embarrassing.
It sucks that, the first time you open yourself to love, it went crappily. It sucks that you thought this guy was your soulmate. But it's okay; everyone's been there. Everyone makes that exact mistake at some point in their lives. It'll be better next time.
It's going to be easier to get over once you get to a place where you can let go of the idea that this guy was perfect for you/was your soulmate/was your one and only chance at a happy ending, though. But that can't always be rushed.
Have you ever read Sense & Sensibility?
You were only with him for three months and you have yet to even be the slightest bit annoyed with him. I find it really, really hard to believe that you can say now, for certain, that you'd be with him forever. I know it may feel like that, but that's not necessarily a judgment you can make at this point.
I know it seems impossible. That's because you're 20 and the break up is still fresh. The pain will ease, I promise, and it will seem possible again.
i've definitely been where you're coming from with this, but i agree with what others are saying. it may feel like you need to fix yourself to be deserving of his love, but really, you should work on accepting who you are. i know he seems perfect to you, but if he's making you feel like it's your fault that he can't love you, then he's not the right person.
At 24 I feel like an old woman because I'm smiling, knowing EXACTLY how you feel. Yet, without knowing you or any of the details, I know that this is not the end of your life. I know it feels like it and I know how miserable you are, but believe me (and everyone else who has commented), we've all been there before. And look, we're all still here, happily living our lives. You will get over this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even for months and months, but it'll happen. You'll stop thinking about him so much and you'll be able to let him go to make room in your heart for someone else who actually wants you back.
So until then, cry if you want to, but try to distract yourself. Find a craft on Pintrest, try new recipes, exercise, whatever. The more active you keep your mind, the less you'll be able to dwell and the happier you'll be. I know this from experience, so good luck, and I know you'll be fine.
In my little world a Soulmate is a two way street. In MY world, he's not your soulmate (but I'm not saying this is right for YOUR world, I'm just giving you a different way to look at "soul mates"). I get my definition of soulmate from Plato's student, Aristophanes, who's estimation of a soulmate is that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. Zeus feared the power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. I do believe that most of the people in your life make up part of who you are, but I don't necessarily call them soul mates as much as I call them kindred spirits. Semantics, I know.
But in my world you still have a soulmate out there, waiting for you. If things with someone you date doesn't work out- just wait, you haven't met the right one yet. It is NOT all downhill from here, because you dated a jerk, and there ARE better men out there for you. But you have to kiss a lot of toads.
He was just someone you really, really liked, maybe even loved, most likely were just infatuated with. You didn't know him long enough to love all of his faults and quirks. Three months is just long enough to get to know the good parts. And even if he was your friend before hand, you don't know a person romantically in three months. Not usually, in my experience. When you lose your virginity to someone, you blind yourself to a lot of faults, because you feel this huge overwhelming bond to them that you don't think anyone else will ever be able to compete with (and they won't, if you don't let them).
One huge gaping fault this guy has- is that he lead you on. He dated you, slept with you, and then bothered to tell you he never felt the same way about you that you felt for him? He wanted to get in your pants and he did. Chock this up to a learning experience, you don't want a guy to treat you like this guy did- he was disingenuous if he could lead you on for three months. So you get a little wiser, you use this relationship to figure out what was good (and you'd like to welcome back into your life from another person), and what he did that lead you on (and you want to avoid with the next person).
It always feels like everything is downhill from here, when you break up from someone. That isn't true though. You were just given a lesson to learn, if you just wallow in self pity you won't learn it. Every relationship is a lesson, a lesson in how to behave with someone else, in how to really love (this relationship wasn't that for you), in what you like most in a person's personality, opening up to someone new, etc. etc. EVERY relationship has a lesson that you learn. It makes you wiser, and makes you the person you'll eventually turn into. Every relationship, even bitter sweet ones like this one, are worthwhile and have value. So don't lock your heart up and stop learning, just be a little wiser the next time. And there WILL be a next time.
You'll probably spend a month on a rollarcoaster of pain, but every day things will get better. Just go out, have fun with your friends and stop actively thinking of him. One day you won't think of him, will realize that, and it will sting a bit- but you'll be okay.
You will be okay.
One huge gaping fault this guy has- is that he lead you on. He dated you, slept with you, and then bothered to tell you he never felt the same way about you that you felt for him? He wanted to get in your pants and he did.
I just want to clarify that this is not accurate. He was honest with me the entire time and I knew he was struggling to reciprocate my feelings, but he is afraid of commitment and afraid of being vulnerable so he thought it was going to take time. Eventually he decided it was time to stop trying because he knew any longer would just mean more hurt for me.
You make it sound like he didn't have a choice, that he kept dating you because he had to because he didn't know if he would one day develop feelings for you or not. There are a lot of ways a person can lead someone on, and continuing to date someone with the idea that things will PROBABLY, maybe, might change is a form of leading someone on. If he didn't share your feelings it doesn't usually take three months to realize the feelings aren't changing, unless you two weren't seeing each other regularly. Several dates, but not three months. And I'm sorry, but in my book, a good guy would have realized that taking your virginity is big enough deal that he shouldn't do that unless he knows that his feelings were growing for you (not stagnate or not happening at all); unless you didn't tell him you were a virgin, or you blew off your virginity and/or sex with you as just casual, in which case I don't blame him for not taking that aspect of things more seriously.
Yeah, you should have known better when he admitted from the get go that he was struggling to reciprocate feelings. But like I said, this is something you look out for next time. If a person's feelings are so wishy-washy, then its something to avoid because of how this ended. Avoiding someone with commitment issues is also something to avoid. You have to evaluate the lessons that are there in this relationship for you to learn, and from what I've read there are A LOT of them.
We were both virgins, we both knew what it meant; I was ready and he didn't value his virginity the way I did. I know so many people who regret losing their virginity the way I did and honestly mine was perfect and I will never regret it regardless of what happened later. I know you're going to tell me I'm just trying to rationalize what he did, but honestly there is so much very private background to all this that makes it make so much more sense to have happened the way it did. There were external political strains on our relationship that I think played a huge role in his struggle to feel for me. Among many other things. I really think he is a good guy and was doing what he thought was right. And he has gone out of his way so much to make sure that I'm okay and that I'm not going to hurt myself. It's hard to be mad at him for not falling in love with me and I just want him to be happy. It's just hard when I see how good he is that that happiness won't be with me.
I'm not going to tell you that you're just rationalizing what he did, you're right that none of us know all of the details; so we can only give you advice or our thoughts on things based on our experiences.
Honestly, he probably has a lot to learn about relationships too, and how to better treat someone. He may not realize it, but its there. A lot of people ignore the life lessons that relationships bring, but then again those people seem to repeat bad relationships. The way he treated you, from someone in my position, was wrong. But hopefully that is a lesson he will learn.
And I hope you will learn what to accept, and what to steer clear of. He may be a great guy, but he was not good dating material in the relationship you had with him- and you have to learn to recognize that, because some people cannot self audit themselves and realize they are being jerks when they lead someone on, or are in a situation like the one he was in. So you have to trust yourself, and not someone elses wishy washy feelings.
Because the only person you can control in a relationship is yourself, the other person is a variable that you can't plan for. But you can avoid patterns.
There is someone even better out there that will be better than anyone else you've ever dated. Even better than this guy.
Hey, at last, someone else referring to Plato's "Symposium" for a definition of love!
I know it's picky, but I don't think Aristophanes was a student of Plato's. He was a famous playwright of comedies in Athens (a number of his plays have survived) and that's probably why Plato assigned him the lighthearted myth of the four armed-and-legged humans. "Symposium" means "Drinking Party", and at the end of the dialog, they're all passed out, except, of course, for Socrates, whose student Plato was.
Live and learn! I didn't realize that, but appreciate knowing, thanks!
don't get crazy. i don't think it's possible to truly know someone in three months time. and.. if he was really your soulmate, he would still be with you. i think you're better off NOT contacting him or seeing him for a while, until you can get control of your life.
you'll be fine in another month or two. get out and do things with your friends, take up a new hobby, or workout or something. time heals, as lame as that sounds.
I don't believe in soul mates. We just love who we love when we intersect.
I know you're probably sick of hearing this, but you will feel better. You are very young, and first heartbreaks are the worst.
I also don't believe in being guarded. Sure you'll get hurt, but life is too short miss out on love because of fear or pride. When you feel love, seize it. It might fail. Another love will come along. Meanwhile you get stronger and wiser.
Good luck, kiddo!
I know he feels like your 'soulmate' now, but I promise you that delusion will fade as time goes on.
I know it sounds stupid and everyone says this, but, it will get better and the feelings will go away.
I went through something similar. It may take ages, but you'll think about it differently at some point.
Good luck *hugs*
Well, I personally don't believe in soul mates, so I don't get that part. But a month may not be quite enough time to get over it - everyone is different in that. It's a very individual thing, and you may just need more time. Try to spend more time with friends or family in the meantime, throw yourself into hobbies (after you've taken care of work/school/other obligations) and just try to find something else to occupy your thoughts. That kind of thing usually helps me when I'm upset over something that feels big.
You could tell him that you still want to be his friend, but you need to take a break to get over things. If he's a true friend, he'll understand. I'd be cautious about why I'd still want to be friends with him, though. Right now your motivation and your feelings might be a bit tangled up together.
I usually get over people fast, but the one I lost my virginity to was a lot tougher. I blame my upbringing on that, partially, and the rest of it was that it did mean something to me, and he promised to marry me and didn't make good on that promise. Now I see that it was for the best, but that was 12 years ago. It didn't take me 12 years to heal, though! Just about 2 months to get over the breakup to where I was fine and able to think about entering relationships again, and then a few years before I really, truly did not give a fuck anymore in any way.
Perfection doesn't exist in our world. I think even true soulmates will be able to acknowledge one another's faults, and then move on, together, despite them, not being blind to them or insisting the other HAS no faults. That's impossible and cannot last.
Loving someone, and being loved, with eyes open to our faults and flaws, and even being willing to fight bitterly about them from time to time in order to sort them out and maybe make them better, is the truest love there is.
You'll find someone who is your match and your equal--not BETTER than you, in anyone's estimation.
I promise you, if there is such a thing as soul mates, they are mutual. If someone doesn't love you and you are not their soul mate, they are not yours.
The best advice I can give you is this:
Cut contact with him, for now.
I know you say you can't sever him from your life, but right now, you really have to. If you continue to see this person, for whom you have extremely strong feelings, you're not going to get the time you need to heal. It's like an open wound; you need to let it heal over, or it's just going to keep getting torn open again and again.
Maybe someday the two of you can have a friendship, but you definitely are not there right now. You say you want him to be happy; give him the gift of getting over him, since you said your continued feelings for him make him uncomfortable. It won't be easy; when my ex broke up with me last year, keeping away from him was incredibly hard, but I did it, and it made a world of difference. Do it for yourself, if you can; if you can't, do it for him.
Second: you are so, so young. What you're looking for in life will continue to develop and change, and a person who is everything you ever wanted right now may not have been perfect for you over the course of your entire life. People and priorities shift all the time. This guy may have been your dream for this moment in your life, but I promise you - there will be others, who are just as perfect for you in different ways.
And finally: you need to quit with the "it's all downhill from here" comments. Those are not helpful to anyone - to him, to the people that care about you, and to you. You have many, many years of life left, and it's melodramatic and absurd to think that the end of a single relationship defines the rest of your time on Earth. Go out and get busy - start a new hobby, get a new job, join a new group, take a trip, write a novel, and so on. You'll find that there's quite a bit with which you can fill your days. Don't feel obligated to start dating someone new immediately - wait until you heal - but beyond that, keep yourself occupied. It will make a difference.
Take care of yourself. I hope you feel better soon.
this is another great comment.
If you are to move on from this guy, you really need to stop thinking that he is your "soul mate" or the "perfect guy for you." I know it's hard, I get it. I've been there. But you can't put this guy on a pedestal. He's not the perfect guy because he doesn't love you. Plus the whole "perfect buuut he just doesn't love me" is a HUGE but. You should be saying, "Well, yes, he had some great qualities, but he doesn't love me, so why would I want to be with someone who doesn't love me?"
Also, you were only with him three months. That's still the honeymoon phase, so I'm not surprised you haven't found anything annoying about him yet. If you guys had been together longer, I'm sure you would. Absolutely everyone in the world has annoying habits and there's no such thing as having a long term, forever relationship without getting annoyed with someone from time to time.
Give it time. Cut off contact immediately and block his number if you have to (and no, it's not mean to do that). Read the book It's Called a Break up Because It's Broken. And distract yourself! Get involved in a new hobby, make new friends, spend time with old ones, whatever it takes to get your mind off the break up.
Time, support from loved ones, therapy, self motivation and self understanding, hard work.
Youll get over it with time. I felt the same way as you at your age. I look back on mine and realize now that it wasnt even love, it was like...a pink sunglasses type of love, where i wanted to love, and wanted to trust and wanted to have that vulnerability somehow, someway. I wanted someone to prove to me I was worth it. I put him in to the box of what was perfect for me and built/grew myself on that, instead of growing and loving myself first.. I thought he was sooo perfect, that I had to change my life so that I could be with him, so that i could support him, so that I was the best partner HE could have. I was not being the best I could be, I was being a support beam. I was never myself. My entire life relied upon being this person who I was with him, i didnt even know who I was alone. It was dangerous, corrosive, and painful in so many intimate ways that I cannot describe--things i only know years later.
(eta) I am crazy and thought you said you were 19. Sorry about the younger comments. I guess you could also take that as "younger" in a relationship. 3 months is a very short relationship and i definitely think its an unhealthy sign towards how you situation yourself around a partner.
Edited at 2012-11-13 04:10 pm (UTC)
He's not perfect if he doesn't love you. It sounds like he's a decent guy because he didn't string you along for too long, but 3 months is *so* soon to be talking about love and soulmates and all this stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if you freaked him out. I think you need to spend time with your friends, take up some hobbies, try some new things, and get yourself ready to get back into dating...and take it slow next time.